8-1-2003

finally got myself some new pictures, thanks to derrick and his nifty camera... while i was formatting them and putting them in order, i thought, "that's what life should be about..."  my friends and i are all goofing off, not even trying to pretend that we take ourselves seriously.. not trying to overthink and over-worry about the path ahead of us.  i wish things could stay like this permanently, but i know that they won't.. what a stark realization.  

another realization... i probably depend on my friends to help me keep my sanity more than i should.  with all the shit between my dad, church, and school, i would probably end up in some mental institution somewhere.  it's kinda ironic.. the people who seem to have the "perfect" environment are the ones who have the most problems.  to keep up that illusion for others to see perpetuates too much bullshit.. not to say that i am in such a hypothetical situation.  pretty damn close though.... man, i need food....

8-2-2003

school starts in 3 weeks.. it's kind of surreal to me that i'll be entering the school year as a sophomore.  imagine that.. maysee the 17 year old a soph. in university.  i feel so old..... anyway, i'm kind of looking forward to the days when i will revert back to my nerdy self.  at least books and numbers always make sense, or you can always twist the words around to make them make sense.  there are no feelings that you might possibly overlook, no way of making yourself look and feel like a fool if you just try hard enough.. academics are just straight-forward.  i kinda wish everything were look like that.. keep everything kosher, blood-less..  *sigh*  it's just one of those days man..

8-4-2003

i've been moody all day, and frankly i'm annoying myself.. hehe.. so, i'm going to unload on this thing because.... i don't know.  i don't know many things.. anyway.. where do i begin?  i called my "boyfriend" up a few days ago in order to break up with him.. imagine that.. i've been bitching about the little fucker for so many weeks, and yet i waited so long to end it.  anyway.. he ended up not being home and i talked to his aunt for a bit.  it turns out that he's moving to atlanta with his dad and that he was going to move this weekend.  i was like.. "hmm.. interesting.."  did it not occur to him to let me know?  i mean, although he doesn't know that i don't feel anything for him anymore except annoyance, wouldn't it be considerate to let your girlfriend know that you're moving out of the state?  so yeah.. the weekend is now officially over, it being past 12 a.m. on an early monday morning, and... no call.  i truly do not like the dude anymore.. in fact, i feel a little contempt for him now, but come on.. what did i do to make him so inconsiderate?  i'd tell my friends if i were moving out of the state, and he wouldn't tell his supposed girlfriend that he supposedly thinks everything's kosher with?  and, here i was trying to think up a nice line that would nicely keep his ego intact while cutting off whatever it was that we had... the one time i try to be nice and it goes unappreciated...

So..... i guess this kicks me off my little pedestal.  all these guys throw themselves at me but the one who actually had me, for the short time that it was, didn't deem me worthy enough to be considerate toward.  quite a humbling experience.. but, live and learn, right?  so what did you learn maysee?  i learned that looks dig your grave for you, but your stupidity is what shoves you in.. i learned that the one time you let your hard-ass exterior drop, somebody's always right there to rush in and stab you with a blunt, rusty fork.. hehe.... so.. yeah.. i don't know man.. for the past couple of days i've been laughing pretty damn hard about the whole situation because it serves me right.. i knew better, but i didn't do better.  and then, i have the friends that tell me, "i told you so" and i can't argue back because they did.. and i did.. but i still went through with it.  it just attests to my overwhelming stupidity.. and yeah.. i guess i'm just easily disregardable.. even a little idiotic dolt like him knew about my disregardability.... but hey.. i already knew about that too.. i guess i do know..

8-5-2003

watched half of amelie today.. that's a pretty frickin hilarious movie.. and, it helps that it's french.. hehe.  me and my french.. it's gotten me into a whole lot of trouble, but i still love the language.  i'm supposed to be learning tagalog, my native language, on my computer, but i never have the time to go and learn it.  i guess when i turn whole-heartedly back to my nerdy self, i'll do it.  so, i'd have french, english, tagalog, and soon spanish under my belt.  then, at least i'd be linguistically sexy... lol.. three languages is sexy, but four.. wow... it pushes you over to amazingly sexy.. hehe.. i don't know what's wrong with me man.. oh.. i know.. i haven't eaten for the past 7 hours and it's making me delirious... quite interesting.. so, i think i'm gonna get myself something to eat..

8-9-2003

today i went to the beach with my church youth group.. it was awesome except for this one part:  my "friend" jake candidly remarked that i was obviously "easy".  now, i don't know if he said that just because he's always an ass, or if he actually thinks that.  even if he doesn't think that of me currently, the thought must've crossed his mind at some point in time for him to be able to reel it out of his mind so easily.  either way, it disturbed me.  is that how people really see me?  is that how i really portray myself?  when jake said that, i couldn't find a smart thing to say back for once.. my jaw had just dropped in awe of the fact that he'd have the balls to actually say that.. or maybe, the stupidity to say that.  i don't know man.. the truth of the matter is, i can count the number of times i've ever kissed a guy on the fingers of my 2 hands, and i can count the number of boyfriends that i've had on one hand.. a whooping high number of TWO, and i don't even think the first one counts.  

so, where does this "maysee's a harlot" thing come from?  it can't be the clothes because i feel uncomfortable in anything that shows more than 75% of my skin, it can't be the makeup because i don't really wear anyway unless you count the moisturizer with sunscreen... can't be my personality because most sluts aren't nerds that are in love with video games.. so... i don't know.  it shouldn't bother me because i like to say that i don't care what people think... but when they think degrading thoughts regarding my morals it pisses me off.. but then again, it's jake and his assy little comments...

8-14-2003

went to a jazz festival thing that my sister was singing in.. it was quite interesting.. my sister and i were the only young people there.  the whole place was populated with people who were over 50 at least.. kinda felt out of place.  is it just me, or am i experiencing that feeling a little too often?  or maybe the feeling was always there, and i never wanted to notice it.  just thinking about everything that's happened to me thus far in my life, the thoughts that only come at 4:30 in the morning, i guess i've never really fit in anywhere.  from grade 4, which is from where i can actually remember things, i was always out of the loop cuz i was younger than everyone seeing that i was 7 years old.  wow.. i'm a freak.. hehe.. anyway.. in grade 7 and 8, i felt even more out of place because all my friends had graduated from playing with barbies to being interested in getting themselves some boytoys.  in grade 9, i switched from a private school to a public school and the feeling of out-of-place-ness just deepened.. instead of being in a place where you tried to hide the evilness with prayers, i was in a public school where evilness was openly displayed.  in grade 10, i moved to michigan where i was not only the youngest person in the class, but i was also asian, canadian, and short.  even when i returned to toronto for visits i was also out of place.. i wasn't part of the loop anymore.. i'm not part of any loop.  i just jump from place to place with small chit chat and "we should hang out some time" discussions.  but.. i'm maysee, right?  i don't need to be part of a loop to validate my existence..... i have myself to converse with about things such as, "why does it have to be a loop?  why can't it be a square?"  hehe... the things you think of when you're not caffeinated and up at 4:30 in the morning.. philosophical bullshit...

8-16-2003

today i went to this "youth rally" thing for church.. it was so awe-inspiring..... for other people, that is. i just sat there thinking, "yeah.. that makes sense, but i'm not doing it.." then, later on, i thought, "that's kinda extreme", and then, my personal favourite, "what a bunch of bullshit." by the end, everything that the speaker said i had a counter-argument to. for example, he was talking about how teenagers are being brainwashed into just being full of lust and fornicating thoughts before marriage, so i was like, "so after marriage, it's all good...hmmm.." hehe.. then, he talked of how just holding hands with someone immediately started off the cycle to getting pregnant. so, i turned to my friend jake who was sitting beside me, "oh, we're too close.. we're sitting beside each other.. OH NO.. i think i'm pregnant." it was so bad.. i know that what the speaker was saying made sense.. you know, the keep your body and mind holy and whatnot, but the sarcasm just kept coming. it's not even about disbelief... it's more like knowing that the belief is right but not giving a shit anymore. i'm so evil.. hehehehe.. oh well....... 

moving on.. the jake thing.. he's the one that called me "easy" last week.. well, he did that to me today again.  i was pissed.. i shouldn't have been because everything that comes out of his mouth is BS anyway.. last time i just laughed it off because i'm supposed to be "laid-back", but this time i made sure he knew that i was irritated.  then, just when i thought i was sure that he was a little prick, he called me up and apologized.  i was like... "who put you up to this?  why are you calling me?  what??  you're apologizing?  who is this??"  jake just busted out saying, "what, you don't think i realized that i hurt your feelings?  can't i realize that?  i have feelings too.. i know what it's like.. etc."  hehe.. whoa.. overload.. that was.. quite interesting.  never thought i'd ever hear that one, especially from a guy.. especially from a guy like jake.  it was... interesting.  hehe.. i guess there is hope for the male side of the species if he can redeem himself.. lol. well then, i'm just babbling.. don't really have anything important to say as usual, so i guess i will cut it off right here... 

8-21-2003

finally finished painting my room today.. i've been "painting" it for 2 months.. hehe.. my laziness is at an all-time high right now.  i have absolutely no motivation to do anything anymore.  i haven't touched my ps1 in days, i don't really mow the lawn anymore, don't go out, and i can't even convince myself that the food in the fridge is worth getting up for anymore.  this is the worst time to get into one of these moods because school starts in 5 days.. imagine that.. maysee will be a sophomore in university.. i get to pretend to be smart again!  oh joy.. then i can be taken advantage of.. again, with stupid people leeching onto me so i can "help" them, aka stealing my answers.  why can't i just be left alone with my piano and a few good chopin and scrabian pieces?  an education doesn't even guarantee success in the future.. after 8 years of schooling i could end up working at mcdonald's with my M.D.  hehe.. that would be great...

8-30-2003

summer's gone.. *sniff sniff*  i started school on the 25th.. will the turmoil never end?  i hate school already.  but, oh well.. what can you do?  the things you have to put up with in order to make lotsa money.. as well as self-fulfillment and all that good stuff.  hehe.. anyway.. no more going out, no more laid-back maysee.  now i'm just "laid-back in a chair and a desk studying" maysee.  i have no more rebellious streak in me... i'm even starting to sympathize with my dad!  what is the world coming to.. hehe..

to prove my point, take this weekend for example.  my parents are in toronto for the long weekend, and my sister and i are at home... online.  you'd think that after me bitching about my dad's iron fist about me being home at 9 pm every night, that i'd actually be out.. but no.. my sister and i actually came home at 10, after following my dad's instructions to go to meijer's and get him some glucosamine tablets.  *sigh*  i made no plans to go out either, and i've known about this for 2 weeks.  i guess it's a good thing that i'm a nerd then... saves me a whole lot of money and aggravation...

9-12-2003

it's only been 3 weeks of classes, and i already have 2 exams scheduled for next week.  it's insane how fast time flies by, how quickly things change.  but, one thing will never change.. my love of making fun of people.  there's this one chick in my chemistry class who always seems to end up sitting in front of me, no matter where i happen to be sitting on a particular day.  she is HUGE, GIGANTIC.. cyclopean even.  no matter how much i try to maneuver myself to look around her, i can't do it.  you know, there's a reason they don't make chairs that big.. it's because humans are not ever supposed to get that big.. geez.. the thick-headedness of people.

9-25-2003

my uncle called my mom up today and told her what she's been waiting to hear for a long time now, "it's time to go back to toronto.. mom is dying."  that's some great news, eh?  wonderful way to start off the morning.. my mom called me up to tell me that she wanted to go back to toronto today, and she was hysterical.  but, all i could think in the back of my mind was, "why don't i feel anything?"  i'm so emotionally detached from everything.. nothing affects me anymore.  last week my dad and i got into a religious dispute which ended in him telling me to go to hell because that was where i was going, and i said, "i could've told you that a long time ago."  you would think that a normal person would have taken some hurt from that, but i didn't feel anything.  my mom tells me my grandma's almost dead, and i don't feel anything.. david tells me that it seems like i've been "down" lately and instead of taking that as the token of caring that it is, all i can think is how irritating it is that someone bothers to show that they care.  since school has started all i've been doing is isolating myself.. all i want to do when i get home is play my piano and go to sleep.  i don't even care about food anymore.. quite shocking.  i don't know why.. and i don't feel like bothering to care, which seems kind of paradoxical because i'm writing this all down.  but, i've always been a writer, for an audience that isn't even there...