1-17-2002

i haven't updated this site in a really long time, so i thought i'd do it now.  well then.. guess what guys?  i'm 16 now.. hehe.. so proud of myself, although i really have no control over my age.  ok then.. also, i fixed the guestbook because guestcities wasn't working anymore, but there are no more messages in there =(  oh well... anyway, this week is exam week, and i only have one real exam to do.  one semester down, and one more to go.. then i'm out of high school forever!  yay.. hehe.. can't wait.  well, unfortunately, because i'm a canadian citizen living in america, i'm not eligible for federal or state financial aid, and that just ticks me off so badly... i can't apply for any scholarships cuz i'm not eligible, which essentially means that i have worked my butt off for the the past 4 years getting good grades (a freakin 4.0), and got a good act score, and that really amounts to nothing.  i could've saved myself all that trouble and stress if i knew that i wouldn't be able to get any scholarships anyway... well, whatever..  screw the system!  you know, high schools only dumb down the information that you're supposed to learn at college.. it's a conspiracy, i tell ya.  why else would they have "college algebra" or "college geometry" or all that other crap in college when you should've learned algebra and geometry in high school?  might as well just get rid of high school if you're only going to be doing it all over again in college.  the only difference between high school and college is that you pay for college, and no one gives a shmit if you pass or fail in college, because they would have gotten your money already.  education comes first?  i don't think so...

1-21-2002

well then.. i've made a promise to myself that i'd update this site at least once every week.  i don't really know why, because i really don't think that people actually would want to waste their time trying to read these little comments of mine, unless of course you know me personally, and want to see how "sugar-coated" i am.  anyway.. whoever said "life is beautiful" must have been on some crack or opium or those other euphoric-type drugs.  if you really look at it, you only go through life to suffer and die.  ultimately, all the shmit that you went through in life doesn't matter, because you'll die anyway.  all the crap that i have to go through in order to become valedictorian or a doctor or all that other stuff won't matter, cuz i'll still end up dead and return to dust, just like the next homeless beggar.  wow.. pretty deep stuff, huh?  hehe... why is it that "deep" stuff has to be somewhat depressing?  nothing that is philosophical or deep is ever happy.. hmm.. things to ponder upon...

1-22-2002

man.. i'm so ticked off i can't even think straight anymore.  my yearbook teacher might give me an incomplete for last semester, despite all the extra hours i put in, all the hard work i've done, all the ad sales that i've accomplished, all because there are stupid people in my yearbook class.  argh!  well.. there goes my 4.0 and valedictorian status down the tube.. not like it mattered anyway, cuz i can't get scholarships because of my residency status here, but i need this for my pride's sake.  ahhhhh!!!  because stupid people don't want to do their work and i have to end up doing it for them, i have to get a frickin incomplete.. that's worse than an E or an F.  ha.. well, that's what you get for having air-headed cheerleaders and gay guys in class.. they don't do shmit.  i'm not saying that cheerleaders are all stupid, or gay people are lazy.. what i'm saying is that the ones in my class are.  so, you know what?  screw it.. screw people.. i have no use for them anymore.. the only thing people are good for is screwing you over.. and maybe giving me rides.. hehe.. do you sense some bitterness radiating from me?  don't worry.. it will pass when i get my A that i deserve...

2-1-2002

well then.. so much for my goal to update this once a week.. maybe i'll just do it twice a month.. yeah.. hehe.  anyway, i've had no school for the past 2 days, cuz of snow days.  i love being up north!  i can't possibly imagine school without the possibility of a snow day.  and, this has been a very nice unexpected vacation from the trials and tribulations of school.  my yearbook teacher is prolly spazzing out though - everything is supposed to be done by feb. 15, and what do you know.. the incompetent people in that class still have half of the yearbook to complete in 2 weeks, which is only a total of 10 school days.  man.. i've had to type in 500 names like 5 times because people keep messing their pages up.  i can't say no to them for some reason, although it would be really nice to for once.. and, i get to proof every one of those pages cuz my teacher thought it would be cute for the valedictorian to do it.  geez.. oh well.. it's all good.  all i know is that i got my A in that class, which i was stressing about in my last entry thingamajigger.. you know, it's quite ironic.. i'm the valedictorian and i hate school.. go figure...

2-25-2002

well then.. what to say?  i added in another pic of me from feb 23.. for some reason i picture really well, but i dunno.. once it boils down to real life, i'm just maysee.  people see my pic and they say "oh you're so hot" or "you're so cute".. but then the guys that i see everyday don't even see me in that way.  it's not like i'm complaining about it, cuz i guess it does save me some grief.. hehe.. it just disturbs me when i see the people that i'd swear could not get a boyfriend or a girlfriend end up hooking up with someone, and then there's just me.. hehe.. oh the mysteries of adolescent life...

2-26-2002

geez.. today was a headache inspiring day.. i keep trying to remind myself, "only 3 more months, and it's all over".  but people never seem to notice when i'm in one of those moods.. i guess they think i'm perpetually happy.  if i laugh, does it mean that i'm happy?  if i cry, does it mean i'm sad?  what if i'm crying out of laughing too hard?  hehe.. well, i just ruined my rhetorical streak.. anyhoo.. i made up a new intro page.. i don't know if i want to replace the one i have now with it though... maybe i'll put a poll or something.. now the thing is, will people actually vote?  hmm.. good question.. well, all i'm writing right now is a bunch of jibberish.. you know when sometimes you feel a huge expanse in the middle of your chest and you try to fill it up with words, but it never works?   that's sorta how it is right now.. i miss all my friends in TO, and my being screwed over by america is just magnifying that by like 100%.. and how have i been screwed over by america?  i've been living here for frickin 3 years, and i'm still considered an international student, which really means my scholarships have all been taken away from me.. so much for working hard and reaping what you sow.  my one great achievement, other than my piano playing, was my grades and valedictorian status.. and what good does that do me?  i'm just another nerd that disappears into the crowd...

3-13-02

i feel so confused and i don't know why.. hmm.. well, maybe it has to do with that fact that i only had an hour and a half worth of sleep last night.. hehe.. that'll do it for you.  hate stupid english work.. anyway, has anyone other than me stopped to wonder why guys are so confusing?  they're seen as being the most simple beings in society, and yet i'm still confused by them... hehe.. what does that say about me?  why can't they just tell me what they're thinking instead of going around in circles, thinking that i don't see what they're trying to do?  hmm.. most of my friends are guys, but i still don't get them... maybe they're too simple to figure out... hehe

3-16-02

sometimes i just wish i would never grow up.. i mean mentally and emotionally.. hehe.. i doubt i could grow anymore physically.  this whole graduating thing and university picking is starting to tear away at my sanity, not to mention how much more complicated people seem to be getting.  were they always like this, or did i just never notice it?  even i am starting to confuse myself... which doesn't really make sense, but yeah.. hehe.. that's why i'm confusing myself.  well, i'm gonna stop, cuz i'm starving...

3-17-2002

last night, or rather, this morning, i didn't go to bed until 7:30 am... i was creating another site.. i was plagued by confusion.. hehe... i looked at this site over, and i realized... this isn't me anymore.  i'm not so bubbly enthusiastic and happy anymore, and what is up with the music?  thus.. i wanted to make another site... CLICK HERE to go check it out.. but be forewarned.. you'll be disturbed if you don't want to see me in my cynical state.  hehe.. maybe the best thing to do was just redo this site, but i've invested too many hours and stuff into this site for me to tear it all down because of one of my mood swings and phases through life.. hehe.  plus, i don't want people to be forced to see me in my cynical mood, cuz it's not pretty at times.. yes.. i believe in freedom of choice!  hehe.. i'm just being stupid now.. i'll stop... i wonder if there is anything edible in the house...

3-27-02

finally done with schoolwork for this marking period.. no more stupid eng essays, or physics presentations, or calculus assignments... now all i have to worry about is (are?) my people problems.  why must people insist on giving their unfounded, ignorant and really stupid opinions?  for example, my yearbook teacher was dipping into my conversation with this other person about my college stuff and how hard it has been for me cuz america hates canadians, and she was like, "well, it's your fault you came to america, so you need to stop."  yes ma'am, i should stop because i was soooo willing to come to this hellhole and i really did make the choice to come here because after all, my dad really does value my opinion.  that's a load of BS and she can kiss my canadian a**.  americans present this american ideal and dream to the world that really doesn't exist, at least not for immigrants coming in.  "we are living in the land of opportunity..." so my teacher says.. but what exactly are the opportunities?  the opportunity to get money?  sure.. but i think the opportunity for deep demoralization and stupidity outweighs the money part.  americans think that the world loves their country, but only because of their blinding ignorance - get it straight.. the world loves your money, and hates you, and that's the truth.  don't get me wrong.. i have lots of american friends, and i do love ya guys, sometimes.. but your country as a whole really blows.  don't like my opinion?  too bad... you haven't had to deal with the crap i've had to just to live in this "great land of opportunity"...

4-13-2002

what did i write in my last entry?  something about not having to do anymore english essays.. hehe.. well, my eng teacher decided to be a prick and guess what?  i have to write 4 essays a week.. oh joy.. the highlight of my high school career.  i mean, how meaningful would my senior year be if i couldn't write some more BS on how some high or depressed author perceived life?  yeah.. anyway.. i'm redoing the site.. as i said on my homepage, i'm "cutting out all the crap".. and, i'm trying to add some substance to my other site... tonight's prom night, and i didn't go, obviously.. spending my time working on a site that nobody's gonna see anyway.  and get this - i'm contented.  not really in the mood for a dance anyway.. my friend pierre died last week.  for some insane reason i can't picture myself having fun at a dance when i know that he'll never be able to again.  i'm just jumping around from topic to topic, but then again, who cares?  as if people would rather read my thoughts than look at the pictures...

6-12-2002

haven't written in 2 months... anyway.. i got out of school may 22, graduated may 30.. played piano for a wedding on june 2, and been catching up on lost sleep ever since.  now that high school's finally over, it seems that i no longer have any motivation... i'm not even putting up with people's crap anymore, even church people crap.  hehe.. i guess recent events have marred my perspective on life.. i almost didn't graduate cuz i'm canadian, i can't get any scholarships whatsoever, and some damn ignorant americans are pissing me off with their deluded american patriotism.. they somehow don't see that their country has a lot problems.  yes.. america is the best country, in which it will valiantly fight for an underprivileged country and its starving citizens when there are so many homeless and underprivileged people within its own boundaries.. in which it promotes multi-culturalism but every time an american sees someone with a turban, he or she automatically has some kind of fear or animosity within his or her heart.. in which the people say "God bless the USA" when a huge portion of the population hates God or doesn't even think He exists, and if they do believe in him, i'm quite sure their antics of sexual immorality and money-driven motivation merit God's approval and value.. america is a country that sends milk and cheese to starving people in Africa who incidentally are mostly lactose-intolerant, a country that encourages immigration and this image of "the land of opportunity" but i've been here for 3 years and been rewarded what basically amounts to jack shit for all the standard testing i had to go through so that americans could look at their failing education system and say, "hey, we're pretty good!"  this is a country in which a good education means a person can speak english.. in which if you don't know english, you're considered uncivilized and ill-educated.   and that's another thing that annoys me.. for people that are so "educated" how is it that people online refuse to spell properly?  i'm sorry.. but "wuteva", "kewl", "boi", "gurl", AnD WrItINg LiKe ThIs in a normal conversation just doesn't cut it... I live in America.. the land of the free and the home of the brave.. the land in which a person is free to be the worst ignoramus on the face of the world and is brave enough to proudly show it, because after all, it's american..