7-8-2002

went to toronto from june 21 to july 4.. man, it felt so good to be home.. where i didn't feel overdressed, didn't feel like everybody was looking at me because i'm asian, where i felt that i actually belonged.  sadly though.. i realized that i don't have a place there anymore, even if i did feel that toronto is where i belong.  the people i had planned on hanging out with just said, "hi, you look so different!  bye now..."  and others didn't even acknowledge my presence.  my "best friends" couldn't seem to find any time for me, although i came back to toronto just to see them graduate.  it seemed like i'm always the one putting forward the effort, trying to keep up the communication lines while they're readily willing to just forget me.. i guess i should be ticked off, but i'm really not for some reason.  i mean, there really is no difference between toronto and grand rapids, in terms of friendship.. in GR, i'll only be remembered as the 16 year old canadian who graduated as valedictorian.. nobody special - i'm just a freak.  in toronto, i'll be remembered as the girl with the fiery temper and the "talented" piano player.. if i'm remembered at all.  i was just there, with no person particularly paying any attention to me.. which brings back a memory.. after part of my friends' graduation ceremony which they call "class night", i was searching around, looking for my friends to take pictures of.  i couldn't find any of them.. maybe cuz i'm not tall enough to see beyond the crowd, or maybe because they weren't looking for me as i seem to be easily forgettable.  and, quite ironically, i ended up talking with my "mortal enemy", the guy i'm supposed to have hated for 9 years.  and, i actually got a picture of him.. two, actually.  where were my best friends then?  why is it that when i came back to toronto to see my friends graduate, the first person i talked to was the person that i fought with for so many years and actually gave scars to, which he proudly displayed to me, by the way.  and, even more mind-boggling.. how is it that i feel that this memory of finally making peace will stick with me forever, and my "best friends" memory won't?  well, maybe their disappointment will.. 

7-10-2002

it's 2:30 in the morning.. so tired, but i can't make myself turn off the comp and go to bed.  i really don't have anything to talk about.. i'm just looking around my room right now, at my little pictures and momentos that are supposed to have some kind of sentimental value to me.  i've got canadian relics all over the place, from a flag to a toronto postcard, to a sales tag that says, "made in CANADA", with the capitalization precisely like that.  but.. canada is really a foreign place to me... and then, i have philippine souvenirs.. which wouldn't really make sense because truthfully, i know nothing about my heritage.. don't even know the language.  then, there are pictures on my wall.. and i'm actually smiling in them!  why is it that people always have a camera ready when it's a happy occasion and never for the disappointing ones?  are they so deep in their denial that they can't stand to have a picture of the bad times?  that's sorta funny, because it seems to me the bad times make up about 80% of a person's life.. yet, people want to keep up their little ignorant charade.  oh well.. anyway.. these things in my room are supposed to physical materialistic symbols that make up me, and yet, they don't even matter anymore.. take it all away, and you're still left with an empty room.. an empty shell.  whoever made up that crock about "finding one's self" was dreadfully mistaken into believing in optimism.. what's the use in finding yourself when society tells what you should be?  and, those "individualists" or whatever they call themselves only become that way because they oppose whatever society says.. and ironically, society still dictates them for it tells them what they should not be.. quite interesting, huh?  i really don't know where i'm going with this.. hehe.. after all this -- nothing.. thank you for reading this and wasting your time for 75 seconds.. hehe

7-10-2002

11:52 pm - so tired, but i didn't do anything today.. hmm.. i can feel fat and blubber begin to accumulate inside me, weighing me down.. hehe.  i've done absolutely nothing active since i came back from toronto, and all i've been doing is eating cherry blasters and ensaymada, a wonderful filipino dessert-type bread.  my unmotivation is pissing me off, yet it seems i can't make myself do anything about it.. just want to eat and sleep.. and of course, play video games...

7-11-2002

just read my friend deebo's guestbook entry, so out of remorse of not mentioning him, i'll talk about him for this entry.. hehe.  the first time i met him, the first thing i thought was, "wow.. this guy is quiet."  then, when i came back to toronto and chilled with him and my other friend romel, he was recounting his antics in mexico, and i discovered something - i have never been so wrong about a person in my life.  hehe.. because of him, i succumbed to peer pressure and had my first taste of alcohol, in the form of champagne, and trust me, it was only ONE taste.. that was some nasty crap.. don't know how people drink that stuff for fun.  hehe.. it's not his fault i did it though.. just thought for once i'd do something un-maysee-like.. after all, i was parentless for 2 weeks.  anyway... i probably didn't realize how crazy deebo was cuz i was always busy arguing with romel about something.. it's strange when you think you know someone, and then find out you're totally wrong.  but, it was fun.. miss my toronto people that actually have some kind of personality to them, unlike these american ppl that have to mold themselves into whatever image mtv or abercrombie & fitch happens to present.. 

7-11-2002

hmm.. it just occurred to me that if romel happens to finally check out my site, he'll get mad at me for not saying something "substantial" about him.. so let's see... the first few times i hung out with him during the grade 10 summer, all we did was argue.  then, i left and came back to toronto during memorial weekend in gr. 11, and we continued arguing on, of course, gender issues, which i won because obviously females are just so much more refined than males in so many areas =)  and then, this summer.. the arguing continued.. just with bigger words and more sarcasm.  hehe.. it was awesome.. i've never met anybody who loves to argue as much as i do, except for romel.. for all his outrageous remarks and obvious "superiority", i'm glad that we hung out.. ironically, him and his friends were really the only people my sister and i hung out with in toronto, since my best friends didn't seem to care that i was there, except for my friend carmelita.. and, to be honest, i think that i would have had more fun with them than with my other friends anyway.  too bad i won't be going back to toronto for another 2 years.. and by the time i go back, everybody will be gone by then, including my chillin people deebo and romy.  geez.. by the time i come back from the philippines, have my license and can drive around, i won't have any place to go.. it's quite depressing.. i mean, the only reasons i'd go back to toronto are for the shopping, the knowledge that nobody's glaring at me cuz i'm asian, the sight of people actually walking outside, and there, nobody would call me annorexic... hey.. those are some pretty darn good reasons.. hehe

7-18-2002

can't sleep, but it feels like i never woke up.. even after jogging for an hour and a half, i still can't seem to wake up.. i hate being here in grand rapids.. nothing to do, no place to go.. and all my friends being 18 are out all the time.. and then, there's me, where my curfew is like.. 5 o'clock, which is when my dad comes home.  hehe.. this sucks..

7-19-2002

i was bored today, so i changed the layout and stuff.. next i want to put in new pics and a links page... i'm very goal oriented.. hehe.. motivated by absolute boredom and nearing insanity..

7-20-2002

why is it that whenever things start going well for me, misfortune rears its ugly head and says, "NO, you're maysee, therefore you're not allowed to go through life without pain and disappointment"?  argh.. well, my plans to study in the philippines have virtually been shot down.. the foreign affairs department in the philippines mandates that foreign students must be 18 and older in order to attain a student visa.. so unless my mom can work things out and tell the registrar about my "special circumstances", then i'm not going to the philippines.  so, what does that leave me with?  i can't go to univ in the US, cuz they'll bankrupt my dad with their damn international rates, which i still don't understand, i can't go to univ in canada cuz i'll have to take remedial classes for not taking grade 13, and now i can't go to the philippines cuz i'm not 18.  and, if it does turn out that i definitely can't go, i'm gonna take a minute and have a DAMN GOOD laugh about everything, cuz i won't be able to do anything else.  i love the irony in all this.. 16 y/o valedictorian can't seem to work this university crap out because: 1) she's canadian, 2) she's 16.  But, dammit, i'm going to make this all work out.. i didn't work hard for that stupid 4.0 gpa that has done me absolutely nothing, didn't fight to graduate, didn't write GVSU that letter which is in the 6-11-2002 entry (june), all for nothing.  i refuse to reduce myself to sitting on my arse all day working on this site for the rest of my short life... but i don't know what more i can do... it's like fighting obstacles that shouldn't even be there.. so frickin frustrated.  Example:

7-21-2002

it seems i have finished all the work i wanted to do on this site.. except for the pics.. i'll prolly work on my other site from now on.. working on my sites are like the only tangible things i have that i can actually say, "i've accomplished that."  and even then.. i don't remember doing any of this.. i don't remember any of these html codes.. oh well

7-22-2002

well.. i had my damn good laugh that i said i'd have in my 7-20 entry.  we called the university, and they'd say that they'd look into it.. probably looking into it only because i bring the prospect of getting american dollars, and things will prolly work out.  so why did i laugh, do you ask?  well, as a result of all this, my dad's now saying, "just stay here.  you can study at grand rapids community college."  NOOOO!!  the appeal of going to the philippines to study was that i'd be on the other side of the planet, far, far away from my dad's reach and influence.  and now he wants me to stay here and rip away all my dreams of freedom????  my god.. if i stay here, he'll put my curfew at 5 o'clock pm.  i can see it now.. "I WANT TO SEE YOU IN YOUR ROOM WHEN I GET HOME FROM WORK," he'll say.  argh... this is the worst obstacle that has been put in front of me so far.. hehe.. the reign of the suffocating father...

7-23-2002

aggravation.. it finally sunk in that hey, i might not be able to go to college, for the first semester at least.. i had my damn good laugh yesterday, and today i had my damn good cry.. hehe.  well, not really, but self-pity brings out the worst in people.  now i'm in my anti-social mood, and as hard as i try not to show it, it just radiates from me like a creepy aura.  NO, i'm not pmsing.. hehe.. this is far, far worse... man.. you work so hard, and have nothing to show for it, and that's what's pissing me off

7-26-2002

finally.. some peace and quiet and serenity... sorta.  i've finally come to the resolution of my situation.. and i'm going to end up going to GVSU.  hehe.. GVSU, the university that gave me so much aggravation, the one that i wrote that wonderful, heart-felt letter to about the lack of order in its administration (posted in the june section).. and i'm going there.  quite ironic, isn't it?  even more ironic.. this was the only univ that was willing to work with me on my situation.. hehe.. anyway.. i truly am grateful for this solution to my dilemma because i've been stressing over this so much lately.. hey.. i actually do feel more emotions than frustration and anger.. quite impressive, huh?  well.. i hope this is the end to my "getting screwed over" saga.. maybe next time i write in here, i'll be complaining about boys... haha.. or not.