6-3-2001

it's 2 in the morning.. and i can't sleep.  i'm so mad right now... it's about church people this time.  how is it that adults think that they are so incredibly superior?  and, what makes a person an adult?  their age?  well, whatever.. i'm so sick and tired of being put down in that church because i'm only 15.  they only want me around to play the piano, and that's it.  they don't want my input, my opinion... nothing, unless it is convenient for them.  they expect me to be a "good" girl, and do what i'm told, because i'm maysee.. i'm the smart one.  well, whatever.. if being smart means to be like a sponge and soak up every dirty comment they make, every glare they send me, and every belittling remark like, "you don't understand because you're still a teenager", then screw that.  geez.. they're out on a mission to better everyone else, yet they are afraid to look at themselves.  they want respect, but they won't dole it out..well, i hate two faced people like that.  yeah.. well, i should prolly get some sleep.. g'night

6-4-2001

one more day til school's out... for me at least.  i only have to take my FST (functions, statistics, and trig class) exam, and that's it.  it takes such a load of my mind, which is good, because i'm just not functioning anymore.  anyway... it will give me more time to work on this, between teaching piano and babysitting a few kids.  anyway.. my friend says to provide a way for people to respond to my thoughts.  but.. what would people say about my thoughts?  do i really want to know what they're thinking?  do i really care?  lol.. but, in order to satisfy my friend and his "constructive criticism", i'll make a form...pretty soon, i'll add some shoutouts or something.. i dunno.  hehe.. i'm writing down a bunch of crap right now, so i think i'm gonna stop.. see ya..

6-6-2001

i've finished my FST exam... it was so frickin' long and hard!  aaahh.. i don't know how i'll survive when i take calculus next year.. it's like committing suicide.  hehe.. oh well.. if it doesn't kill me, it only makes me stronger, right?  well, today, i worked on getting all the counters working.  my counters from before were linked together or something, so i had to change them all.  for such a small thing, it takes so much work!  hehe.. oh well.. it's not like i have anything else to do.  i should probably take up jogging again.. i used to jog maybe 3 to 4 miles a day, but now, i'm so incredibly lazy.. by the time i get back to school in the fall, i'll be a huge blimp or something.  ok then.. well.. gotta change my personal info page.. I'M A SENIOR!  hehe.. sorry.. being stupid right now... as if that's unusual...

6-7-2001

i went to school today, although i had no exams.  geez.. i was supposed to take my band exam during 4th hour exams, cuz i already finished that exam, but guess what?  the band teacher wasn't there.  so... now, i have to show up at school tomorrow to take a frickin' 5 minute exam!  i have no 5th hour exam, so i'm probably gonna be herded to the gym for the entire hour and a half.  this is one of the times that i wish i had a car.  oh well.. it's just for one more day, and i guess it would give me the chance to ask my math teacher what score i got on the FST exam.  i just want school done and over with.. i'm going to the philippines this summer.. i finally get to see my real family, instead of my mom's adoptive family.  her adoptive family are all a bunch of crackheads... granted, the grandparents have the excuse to be old and senile, but i think they are abusing the privilege.  don't get me wrong.. i don't look down on the seniors of the world.. it's just those 2 people that i do not get along with.. hehe.. don't ask me why.. i could go on forever.  well.. it's time to eat.... hehe.. hopefully we don't have any of that health food stuff my dad loves to shove down my throat.  

6-8-2001

school is finally over!  no more staying up late at night to finish the final touches on my english essays, no more stupid student-teachers to gripe about.. it's all over.  i think i'm supposed to feel relief, which i do, but, when do the tears come?  people were crying at school because they'd "miss" everybody... am i like the only girl that hasn't been affected by this mysterious sickness?  have i developed such a tough exterior facade that it has actually turned into reality?  i usually just let people's stupid remarks slide off me, but now, i let the meaningful remarks do that as well.  something bad needs to happen to me so that i can stop the development of this empty void where the feelings are supposed to be..  the good thing is, i can feel frustration and anger, because these stupid children i'm babysitting are getting on my last nerve!  aahh... i'm not the one who is supposed to be disciplining these children.. that is the parents' job.  yet, where are they?  slaving at work, from 8:30 a.m. to 7 something at night.  it's ridiculous.. oh well.. that's the american dream... make as much money as you can, no matter who gets in the way, and in this case, the children are obviously an obstruction.. i'm gonna go eat now... one more thing.. i passed my FST exam with an A minus.. what a relief...

6-10-01

i did my ACT exam today.. it wasn't hard.. just filled with stupid questions that wasted 7 hours of my time.  i was supposed to take the test yesterday, but since yesterday was a saturday, i didn't want to take it then.  in my religion, i worship on saturday, the entire day, and i actually take this seriously.. i would have felt so uncomfortable taking the test on saturday, so i went all the way to berrien springs, one and a half hours away, just to take that stupid exam on a sunday.  oh well... if i don't get a 30 or over on it, i'm gonna take it over..hehe.  people think i'm an overachiever and a perfectionist, but if you really think of it.. if you're gonna do something, why not do it right the first time?  it saves you a lot of time rather than if you have to go back to correct everything.  but, no, people would rather be lazy and procrastinate until the last minute and then depend on me to help them get through another one of their self-created crises.  you know what?  i'm actually thinking of typing up term papers for people in college and charge them like $4 a page or something.  just imagine how much money i'd make.. hehe.. anyway.. i'm suffering right now.. got feasted upon by mosquitos last night.  my mom says i have sweet blood.. i don't know if that's true, but i do know that i'm allergic to mosquito bites, and right now, the bites are all bubbly with clear puss, and they are so big that it looks like i have a third boob coming out of my back.. lol.  great mental picture, huh?  i'll leave you with that thought... 

6-11-01

i'm bored right now.. so i think i'll write something.  i was supposed to be going to the library.. i got my bike all ready, got my water bottle, and finally, as i was about to leave, i remembered.. i need my library card.  but, i can't find it, and there is no way that i can escape these little children that i'm babysitting.  i was going to get some of the books that my english teacher assigned us to read over the summer.. isn't that pathetic?  i'm so bored that i actually want to do some work, and this is like the first real day of summer vacation.  hehe.. yeah.. i'm weird.  sorry people, if you've been reading the past few entries, or actually, all the entries in here.  i really am not in a perpetually bad mood all the time, contrary to what you might think.  it's just easier to write down all the bad stuff.. who seriously wants to hear of my "perfect" life?  it would sicken every person that reads this.. yeah.. i'm the 15 year old "4.0 GPA crackhead" senior, which my sister affectionately calls me, that plays the piano and 6 other different instruments, who actually cleaned up my room today, i get $16 an hour just for teaching little kids piano, and guess what?  i actually read my bible twice a week... blah blah blah.. isn't that absolutely interesting?  if i complain, doesn't it make you think that i'm actually somewhat human?  i guess i should draw the line somewhere.. but i really don't want people to think i'm some outgoing, happy-go-lucky, perfect girl, because i'm far from it.  but.. to stop my friends' fears that i'm becoming a depressed freak, i'll try to write down my happy thoughts.. if i can find them.. hehe

6-11-01

i'm writing again...  i finally got my shoutout javascript thing to work.  just go to the homepage, go to the bottom after the view/sign guestbook part, and see if your name is there.. well, that is, if i know you personally.  if not, you can yell at me or something.. i have too much time on my hands.. hehe.. 

6-12-01

today, i did nothing but clean.  isn't that terrible?  i hate cleaning, and today, i ironed, folded, even rearranged my drawers... everything is in a definite pile!  what is even more scary is that my closet is organized by dresses on the far left, next, the tops arranged by the length of the sleeves, my skirts are arranged by their length, and my coats are arranged by how thick they are!  aahh.. i'm scaring myself.  lol.. even all of  the clothes in my drawers are arranged by their lengths.  my goodness.. look at what boredom does to a person.  well, i got burned while ironing because i wasn't paying attention to what i was doing, and now i have a burn scar on my thumb.  but, hey... at least both of my thumbs have identical scars in the same place.  that's gotta count for something, right?  geez.. i'm like a mishap magnet.  i get like a new scar almost every month.  oh well... life goes on.. 

6-13-01

i'm bored.. i've changed some stuff on the site.  i added a little precious moments poem to the homepage.  i suggest you go check it out, cuz i think i wanna reflect on it for my lil essay today.  that poem is so true!  so many people say things that they don't mean.. it's just like they say - "if love isn't a game, why are there so many players?"  people like playing with people's emotions, just for fun because it is a game to them, and it really is not.  that's why you can't trust people anymore.. that's why a particular guy pisses me off because he keeps joking about me being his "one love"  (i'm hoping he reads this).  i mean, it's ok if it's a one time thing, but he keeps pushing the issue.  and, it's not because he is actually serious that he keeps talking about it, he just likes annoying me.  but seriously, why can't people take love seriously anymore?  hehe.. i'm far from an expert on that issue, because i haven't even had a boyfriend that counts.. but he said "i love you", and all i replied back was, "whatever.. why are you being stupid for?"  i'm so cynical, but it's not without good cause.  i have no time for this "game" and most importantly, no patience.  so what if i "have a boyfriend"?  there is no way that i'm actually serious about it.. knowing myself, i'd get frustrated with him in a matter of days.  it would take a literal saint to put up with and get through to the stubborn, bitchy, needs-to-be-in-control-of-everything perfectionist attitude that is rolled up into this tiny 5'1 person, and i haven't found him.  yeah.. so, if a guy says i love you after just 2 weeks, and it's supposed to be a "romantic" gesture, don't waste my time.  of course, i say "luv ya" to my friends, but that's cuz i do love them as a friend.  but nooo.. sometimes a guy has to blow that out of proportion and think that i like him.. i don't work that way.  so, if that pompous ass reads this journal entry today, which i'll make sure he does, leave me the hell alone until you decide to grow up.. and i don't care if you're just "playin" with me.. like i said.. love isn't a game

6-14-01

i've been really cynical and sadistic lately, so people must wonder if i am something akin to evil.. hehe.  no.. i'm still human.. i bleed if you cut me, i actually cry when i get hurt, only when i'm alone of course, and in reality, i am a sucker for sentimental things and love stories.  i still have the little flower that ryan gave to me the first time we talked during marching band rehearsal the first year i came to school in michigan 2 years ago.. i remember that the night before i left toronto to move to michigan, my sister and i were huddled together in my bed, singing pop duet songs and staring up into my empty ceiling, which was once aglow with glow-in-the-dark stars.  i tried to harmonize along with my sister, but i only cracked both of us up, but it was a nervous laugh, for we were trying to forget what would inevitably happen the next day.  i remember how we croaked out the canadian anthem as we crossed the u.s./canada border, and i smile at the memory of how when we came back to toronto the first time, my sister and i had the most goofy smiles on our faces, that wouldn't leave us until we fell asleep that night.  yeah.. i'm actually not as cold-hearted as everybody thinks i am.. but i realized on the very day that i moved to michigan that a person can't go coasting through life with a "peaches 'n cream" optimistic attitude without some divine help.  on august 8, 1999, we arrived in grand rapids, and the moment we walked through the door, the phone rang.  however, it wasn't a friendly greeting welcoming us to the neighbourhood.  it was my aunt, telling me that my cousin had died of a drug overdose that very day.  we had just arrived, and there was already a reason beckoning us back.  do you know what it's like to go somewhere with no idea of what will happen, and arrive there and something as terrible as this happens?  that day i was shocked into reality.. and no one can tell me that i should let it go.  up until that point, it was like i was living in some fairy land, and then all of a sudden.. BOOM, i realized that going through life isn't gonna be like living in some fantastic dream.  but... people who don't know me think that i'm just coasting through life, living out some great fantastic dream.. after all, i am a 15 year old senior with a 4.0 gpa, i'm "mature" for my age, and i've got the perfect miniature family.. and all the rest of that other trivial crap.  so what?  am i not allowed to have my bad days?  can't i have some terrible thoughts or opinions lurking around in my head?  so.. i guess you can consider this weird thoughts thing my retaliation to the world and society for its screwed up way of thinking.  i'm sick and tired of people assuming that i'm some perfect girl, and when i do something wrong, they are so shocked and appalled that it's absolutely ridiculous.  maybe my thoughts written here are "wrong" enough that they won't uphold me to such a high standard, and i won't have to deal with all of those disappointed faces and belittling attitudes.  i know that writing down all this stuff here isn't going to make a lot of difference, cuz not a lot of people read this.. hehe.  but, at least it's a start...

6-15-01

my sister got her report card today, and she is so pissed off and disappointed.  she got a 3.857.. only .143 away from a 4.0.  hehe.. i just find that funny, although i would get really pissed if my 4.0 gets screwed up next year.  some people are so happy just to get something in the 3.0 to the 4.0 range, but no, not in my family.  you always do your best, you always do things perfectly, and you ALWAYS do what is best for everybody else.. self-sacrifice is the key, for my dad at least.  i try to think before i do things, but i'm an impulsive person, and the only way i can use my common sense is if i contemplate on something for at least 5 minutes.  hehe.. yeah, so that's why i get into so much trouble.. that's why i cause and feel so much aggravation, as you can see written in these thingamajiggers.  it's hard to be "perfect" 24/7, you know what i mean?  and, i try to be the best for me, not for somebody else.. i love competing with people, which is one of the reasons that i play defense in soccer, and why i broke this girl's thigh playing basketball in grade 9.  when you're as small as i am, you gotta learn how to be that way.. so it applies to the rest of me.  i work hard, i play hard, and when i crash, it's over.. it's equally devastating.  what i'm saying is, i've been "crashing" for the past couple of days.. i think it's school withdrawal or something..hehe.  i have nothing and nobody to compete against anymore, and it's driving me crazy!  geez.. i've cleaned my room like 10 times this entire week!  what sane person does that?  yep.. well, i think i'm going upward bound, so just a warning.. if you think my cynical side is scary, wait til you see my optimistic side.. hehe.. bubye for now =)

6-16-01

it's only 10:30 pm, and i'm already dead tired.  i've been on the go all day, going to church, going to a nursing home, and all that other stuff.. i haven't even had time to eat dinner yet.  i need to relax.. i've got my candles burning, with all the lights off and everything.  everything's perfect... except, my room is too clean!  i wanna mess it up or something.  it feels so empty, so desolate.  the only messed up thing about my room is that my piles of books are crooked, and that's about it.  ahhh.. why am i never satisfied?  i either complain that it's too messy, or it's too clean.  i just like to complain.. that's all.  it's funny to see people's faces when i complain for like an hour straight.  they usually think i have a perfect life so i have nothing to complain about, or that i'm "nice" so i shouldn't complain about things.  sometimes i complain just to annoy people.. it's cool to see people all messed up and flustered.  that's when their true character shows.  sure, everyone can be nice and "charming" when they want to be, but when things get rough, that's when you truly see a person.  of course, i'm trying not to speculate on my life, cuz i've been through too many rough patches during my 15 years of existence, and i haven't exactly handled them well.  but, at least i'm not some kind of wuss that cries every time something bad happens to her.  i hate it when people do that.. don't you know there are dying people in africa and asia that have it 10 times worse than you do?  and you complain about a stupid broken date?  hehe.. i'm getting into that pessimistic rut again.  so, i'll end with one last comment:  life sucks, so deal with it.. crying never gets anyone anywhere

6-17-01

i've done absolutely nothing today except play piano.  i started at 12 and by the time i stopped, the clock miraculously showed that it was 5.  whoa..hehe.. playing piano for 5 hours.  i'm not a fanatic about my music.. i'm just bored.  and oh yeah.. my dad wants me to give a "concert" to my relatives when we go to the philippines in 2 weeks.  i don't know what he's smoking.. hehe, but i don't really want to play piano in front of all of those people.  my mom has like 13 brothers and sisters on her side of the family, plus their billions of children, and my dad has 9 bros and sisters on his side of the family, and they have another billion offspring.. i don't know how many people exist that are related to me.  everytime i go back to toronto, it seems as if i find somebody new that i'm related to.  anyway, i'll prolly end up giving that concert anyway, although i'm not that good..hehe.  but since i have nothing to do in my spare time, might as well play piano than clean my room, right?  i'm just writing a bunch of crap here, cuz i have nothing else to say.. oohhh.. i smell popcorn.  hehe.. gotta go eat.. bubye

6-18-01

my sister and david are fighting in my room... they're gonna break something.  aahhh.. that's what happens when you put 2 crazy people together.  they're ruining my clean room, and they've messed up my pretty bed that i made up this morning.  i don't care if they kill each other.. just keep the blood away from my stuff.  geez.. who said that solitude is a bad thing?  sometimes i like being alone, no noise, no nothing, nobody pissing me off.. ugh!  hehe.. i need to regulate...

6-19-01

i helped this lady clean her house today.. oh my gosh.. how can one live in such filth??  the floor was sticky, really grimy stuff was strewn all over the wall, dirty clothes, and i do mean dirty as in used and abused, were lining every part of the floor.. i could go on and on, but the thing that got me really grossed out was that the dishes that were supposed to be clean had food and grime buildup from probably weeks past!  i myself hate cleaning, but that's taking the dislike of cleaning a bit too far.  i mean, at least when i'm done with something, i put it away, rather than leaving milk out for days on end.. and, i throw away the garbage, unlike leaving chicken and some other bones laying out on the dining room table.. broken beer bottles, glasses, and plates were everywhere!  geez.. it's like something you'd see after an out-control-party, but that stuff has been there for weeks.. aahh.. it just grosses me out.  and, she said that it's not usually like that.. yeah right!  it takes a long time for all that junk to pile up.. it's just like that 364 out of 365 days a year.. before, i used to get mad at my mom for making me clean up after myself.. but looking at that house and seeing how fortunate i am justifies all the yelling my mom did at me.   you never know how lucky you are until you see something far worse then you could imagine..

6-20-01

ok then.. what to write about today?   it seems like i have nothing to write about when i'm in that "optimistic" mood.. which really sucks because nobody wants me to relate how perfect my day was today.. oh well.. who cares what they think.  today, i played final fantasy 8 for most of the afternoon.. now that is a day well spent.. lol.  just stick me in front of some video game or an arcade, and i'll be happy for hours.  or.. put me in a soccer game or in front of a rock climbing wall, and i'll be even more happy.  yep.. but, people think i don't know how to have fun.  ohh.. here it comes.. i finally have an enlightening thought of the day.  ok.. you ask, "why do people think i can't have fun?"  the answer is simple.. they expect fun to include the following:  partying, sex, drugs, drinking, smoking.. all of that "good" stuff.  but, for me, all that stuff is stupid.  i mean.. i like partying and stuff, but when the party includes drinking and drugs, and inevitably sex, i'm gone.  you won't see my face at those places.  who says that you need all that crap to have fun?  sorry to disappoint.. well, not really.. hehe.. cuz when the girls are deathly afraid cuz their periods are late, and when the guys can not thinking straight in school cuz they've got a "buzz" and they complain that they're failing the class, guess who's laughing right in their faces?  i don't care if those girls are terrified to death that they're pregnant.. i still laugh in their faces.. and you know why?  cuz they made that situation for themselves.. so it's time to deal with their own crap.  don't come running to me and expect only understanding.. sure i'll say all the condoling things, but seriously.. if they wanted to have "fun" for the measly 15 minutes of sex, they should take the responsibility of taking care of a child for the rest of their lives.. and those who get abortions are taking the coward's way out.  ooohh.. don't even get me started on abortions.. lol.  so.. yeah.. i may have my "simple" pleasures of staring out into the sunset, jogging to my nine days music, and playing video games all day.. but at least i don't need the kind of "fun" that will eventually kill me, to survive my teenage years.  i'll take a soccer ball and a water bottle over "fun" any day..

6-24-01

i haven't written in here for a few days.. and you know why?  i think i'm in love.. the apple of my eye is cunning, compromised of sheer genius, amazingly pleasing to the eye.. and it takes you more than a few hours to figure it out.  why am i calling it "IT", you're wondering.. i'm talking about final fantasy.  hehe.. what else did you think i was talking about?  certainly not about a guy.. hehe.  well, i've been spending lots of time with my rpg games, and have remembered how much fun they are.  they make you think, rather than action games where all you have to think about is the combos to get a quick KO.  but.. i think my game playing for the summer is finished.  i hafta practice my piano 3 hours a day at least, cuz i've got a concert coming up in 2 weeks in the philippines.  aahh.. it's mind boggling.  i spent 4 hours on the piano just today alone, and my fingers feel sore.. i'm trying to get the 10 pieces memorized.. but it's hard cuz they're all like 5 pages apiece.  i've got 4 pages memorized for the first piece though.. i'm getting there.. hehe.. anyway.. i decided to put new music for this page cuz the other music was starting to get on my nerves.  i prolly won't update my site very much cuz i hafta get ready for my upcoming vacation.  when i get back though, i'll start putting some javascript in.. well, i hafta go.. bubye =)  oh yeah.. one more thing.. if you don't like the music, don't complain to me.. it's as easy as turning the speakers off.. geez...

6-28-01

well then.. i can say that my bedroom is officially a disaster site once again.  my room is totally trashed..hehe.  i don't want to bother cleaning it up though, because the kids that i'm babysitting will come back in and mess it up all over again.  ah kids.. once they pass the age of 6, they are totally intolerable.  the 6 year old i'm babysitting got mad at me because i told him to put his stuff away, threw a temper tantrum, and lunged for my neck.  instead, he got my face.. so now i've got like a deep scratch on the left side of my face, and the scab is irritating me.  why do i even bother?  actually.. i know why.. i'm trying to get as much money as i can before i leave for the philippines next week.  but still.. it's not worth it.. having to deal with all the crap that those children give me.  they are mentally perturbed.. the 8 year old girl is obsessed with sex.. she knows more than i even care to know.. and every time a guy friend comes over and we chill in my room, once he leaves, she asks, "did you have sex?"  does anybody other than me see something wrong with this picture?  geez.. when i was 8, i was grossed out by that subject.. even until i was 12, i tried to stay away from guys.. and this little 8 year old girl goes into flirt mode every time she sees a guy.  i dunno.. i guess i'm old fashioned, but i think that the world has gone haywire.. and it sickens me that little kids want to be doing the deed and grow up so quickly.  i for one, am planning to wait until i get married.. just think of it.. if every person does it with every other person that they've "loved", wouldn't you feel dirty?  geez.. society has gone from not wearing skirts past your knees in the 50s to ripping all your clothes off on stage, like britney spears.  and, girls are always "onstage".. having to keep up their beauty.. well, screw that.  i'd rather have a guy's respect than lust, cuz respect lasts a lot longer.  yep.. people that go around screwing everybody don't have respect for themselves..  hehe.. as you can see, i'm trying to make up for the past 3 entries that i didn't do... well, i'm gonna go eat now..  

6-29-01

everything is so deceptive nowadays.. even the bathroom.. geez.. my mom told me to clean it, so i got in there all armed with my gloves and cleaning supplies, and when i looked around, it didn't look like it needed cleaning.  so, i told my mom exactly that.. but she told me to stop being lazy and start scrubbing.  my goodness.. you think something's clean, and when you start scrubbing with some soap and water, you get that filthy gray-brown water.. it's disgusting.  the sink was especially bad because those children i'm babysitting dump everything in there.. and you know children.. always attracted to dirt, and everything lands in my sink.  anyway, so i'm there scrubbing, and then i start thinking.. people are like that.  they look clean or fine, and then once you actually start doing stuff, they turn out as filthy as that water.  i should be one to talk.. hehe.. my friend called me "candy-coated" and that he wouldn't known of my "repressed anger" if it weren't for this thing.. that's pretty ironic.  anyway.. the point is, i'm deceptive too, but i don't mean to be.  and is it really deception?  if i prefer not to show people my pessimism or optimism, is that deception?  and, how is that deceiving?  they're both in my character.. i dunno..  hehe.. it's amazing what you start thinking of when you start cleaning.. or maybe it should be it's amazing what you think of when you start thinking... lol.. whatever.  all that rhetorical crap is confusing.  well.. i should probably start practicing piano again.. i practiced 3 hours already.. hehe.. i'm trying to reach the 5 hour mark.  well.. i have to get something to eat first cuz i'm starving..  bubye =)

7-3-01

it is almost 2 am.. and i'm still awake.  it's stupid.. i'm leaving for the airport in like 6 hours to go to the philippines, and i'm not sleeping yet.  i am dead tired.. i walked for like 4 miles today, had to run after those stupid children for the last time (yay!), and i haven't eaten anything for the past 24 hours other than an apple and an orange.  hehe.. i shouldn't complain though.. everything is self-imposed.  yep.. so, i'll be gone for 3 weeks.. aahh!  three weeks without internet connection.. how shall i survive?  lol.. i'm just joking, of course.  if any of you michigan people see this.. i miss you all.. actually, not really.. just the select few who i put in that shoutout thing on the homepage.. hehe.  and, as for you toronto people, i miss you all.. 

PROUD TO BE CANADIAN BABY!