I have discovered a new threat.
A threat that has the power to completely and utterly wipe out civilization as we know it.
A threat that abhors us to the nth degree. A threat that would have no qualms whatsoever of killing us one by one, slowly and painfully, just because it can.
A threat that is ruthless, cunning, fearless, and most of all, has absolute power.
I'm about to reveal this threat to you. Make sure you're sitting down. This threat is--are you ready?--this threat is:
Raccoons.
Some of you aren't taking me seriously. Believe me, I am 100% serious. We've abused raccoons for decades, nay, centuries.
I point out Where the Red Fern Grows. Sure, it disguises itself well, what with teaching us to save our money to buy killer dogs that have no interest in sex whatsoever, but it's actually one giant subliminal message to kill raccoons.
This is just one of the many ways in which we've abused raccoons. They aren't the little benevolent Bible-worshippers that the public has been lead to believe. No, they've actually been plotting out demise for years.
How, you ask, have I discovered a fact that so many before me have overlooked? I present to you a portion of a secret raccoon-meeting transcript, which I recently overheard and took notes on:
Raccoon 1 (presumably the leader): "squeak squeak squeak squeak chitter squeak" (Rough translation: "Agent 53, anything to report?")
Agent 53: "squeak squeak chitter gurgle squeak" (Rough translation: "Yes, our La-Z-Boy operatives have been successfully placed. 85% of the American public now believes that raccoons are nice animals that live for overstuffed furniture. As an added bonus, many Americans are afraid to leave their homes, for fear that raccoons will burst in and leave droppings on their carpet, and are therefore 'easy pickings', as our Southern brothers say.")
Leader: "squeak squeak squeak chitter gurgle tail-whip squeak squeak gurgle squeak chitter" (Rough translation: "Excellent...")
I believe that the transcript speaks for itself. We are in grave danger, folks. Let us prepare for the imminent invasion by barring our doors, locking up our children, and most of all, burning our La-Z-Boys. Thank you.