(Have you heard of “Ode to the Nice Guys”? Well this is…)

For the Nice Girls

This is a tribute to the nice girls. The nice girls made of sugar and spice, who always get overlooked, and who sit and endure endless ranting about the psycho-bitch stalker sluts men are wasting their time with, all the while embodying an angelic, classy exterior that is underrated. This is dedicated to the girls who pick up the phone at 2 a.m. to talk to their belligerently drunk guy friends and listen to them for hours about nonsense because they don’t feel like going to sleep. This is for the girls who still say thank you to the guy who hurries to hold the door open for the leggy blonde in front of you, then squeezes in front of you and barely saves the door from slamming in your face. This is in honor of the girls who reiterate how lucky any girl would be to have a certain guy, and then tell him 50 different ways to impress the girl of his dreams who is too stupid and stuck up to notice him in the first place. This is in honor of the girls who pump up a man’s ego because she knows how delicate is, and once it gets bruised, she tells him how sexy/smart/funny he is so that his confidence (and head) is as inflated as it was before some dumb bitch ripped his heart out and put it in a blender. This is for the girls with the big hearts, who aren’t afraid to be silly, who lay it on the line, and who can go with the flow. This is for the girls who truly believe there is more to guys then sex and sports, but still put up with the sexist jokes and watch ESPN Sports Center without complaint.

This is for all the girls who have been told, “you’re the type of girl guys want to marry”, and who spend their Friday nights alone (or with other nice girls) because they don’t put out on the first date. This is for the girls who possess all of the qualities of a kick-ass girlfriend, but never get the time of day. This is for all of the girls who are unappreciated, but still unselfishly give their time and effort, go to great lengths to please others, and continue to genuinely care about other people’s feelings (even if they are assholes). This is for the ladies who are called prude because they would rather spoon than lick balls. For all the girls who are cast to the side, sit out the slow dances, and confidently go stag to social events, this is for you.

This is for the time you had to work at 8 a.m. the next morning, but still picked his drunken ass up and drove him around so his other drunk friends wouldn’t have to leave the party and so he wouldn’t have to stumble into his house puking at 3 a.m. This is for the time he ditched hanging out with you to play video games with his friends and for the time he blew you off to stare at some anorexic blonde with jugs bigger than your head in a bathing suit. This is for the time you went to hang out with him and his friends and even though he was too cool to admit he had feelings for you and practically ignored you the whole time, you still pretended not to notice as all comments were directed to your chest instead of your face. This is for the Scarface marathon you sat through after he bitched for the first five minutes of a romantic comedy you’d been dying to see, but you let him choose what to watch anyway, because you’re nice like that.

Nice girls don’t get the attention they deserve. We like sports, we like to get rough and dirty, we don’t ask you 100 times if you think we’re fat, and we don’t complain while you munch down four cheeseburgers as we enjoy our salad and water. Even more surprising, nice girls don’t get asked out as much as they should. We don’t expect anything fancy, I mean you can save that $40 you spent taking some whore out to dinner just so you could secure some booty time for desert and use it to rent a video and buy us some flowers. I wish I could explain this, but the only conclusion I can come up with is guys are image-whores who just want a hot piece of ass and to uphold a badass reputation. Many of them claim they want a girl they can take home to Mom, but when faced with such a lucky find they say absurd, illogical things such as “Oh, she’s out of my league”, “The timing is off”, or “She’s not my type”. I’m sorry, but these conceited jerks I just have no tolerance for. There is no connection between what they say (“I don’t want to wake-up next to a stranger”) and what they do (“Who the fuck is this naked woman in my bed?”). Furthermore, they comment on the lack of women who possess the full-package that are still available as they continue to sleep around with any hoe-bag with a short skirt, blonde streaks, wide-open legs, and even wider-opened mouths. But one thing I will say is this does not last forever. Eventually the boys get tired of fucking the high-school/college dropout with STDs and illegitimate children, and that’s when they will be begging to tap the tight nice girls’ asses. The hard part is sorting out the loser guys from the ones who didn’t have to sleep with 25 girls to realize what they actually want in a woman and then making sure they aren’t involved with the very psycho-bitches that give us nice girls a bad rep.

So until these men realize what they are missing, until they actually grow big enough balls to go for the nice girls, until they are ready to get more from a relationship than blow jobs and booty calls, and until they have the intelligence to give us exactly what we need, I propose a toast to all the nice ladies. You know who you are, and I know you are sick of hearing you have to be patient and keeping waiting until what’s meant to happen will happen. But the truth is, the world needs your long comforting talks, your insightful suggestions, your pleasantly optimistic perspective, and your tendency to let the men act like heroes and take the credit while you sit in the background as the ditzy damsel who has so much more than what meets the eye. For all the crazy, immature, ill-witted things you fathom, for all the situations where your infallible performance is unacknowledged, and for the endless nights you spend trying to improve someone else’s life instead of your own, my gratitude and appreciation go out to you. You do have infinite, priceless, goddess qualities and our sovereignty and absolution is coming.