The Adventures of Hobag the Clown
By MinerCotren
Part 1
One day, Hobag the Clown (HB to his friends) was minding his own business, looking for some wholesome entertainment, such as whores, booze, and drugs. Unable to locate his normal suppliers of these worthwhile past times, Hobag became very angry. He went cruisin' looking for sluts, but to no avail! Quickly losing his senses without his daily vices, Hobag lost his way and went to the better part of town, which was devoid of all things impure, as well as crawling with cops. Hobag was a wanted criminal, and the cops wasted no time in catching and jailing him.
While he was waiting for his Gs to break him out (or at least get bail), Hobag noticed the toilet was shimmering. Being the clever person he is, he thought, "I must still be high, and this is a dream!" (Actually, it was just exceedingly hot in the jail.) He immediately acted upon this thought, and jumped in the air to fly away. That's why he has a big scar on his chin! "Well, maybe that toilet is magical!" His brain supplied him with superb thinking yet again. He proceeded to jump into the toilet...
Through some demons that wanted to amuse themselves (the same that control our dear friend Al when I summon him), Hobag was transported to a battlefield where nothing much was happening.
Suddenly, a LOUD voice bellowed, "GIVE ME A CC AL"
"What?" Hobag said.
"FINE, OK."
"That's odd," he thought to himself. Hobag then saw a big ugly flying building land. "There best be some sluts in there!" He went into the command center.
Inside, he found many black people in suits yelling things and running into each other. At the same time, he heard "YOUR BASE IS UNDER ATTACK" and wondered what that meant. The command center started flaming under some bat things attacks, but the SCVs just yelled and ran into each other some more. Suddenly, a big flying thing broke into the command center and started spewing stuff on everyone and everything.
Part 2
As the queen bore down on Hobag, it stopped and asked, "WHAT... IS YOUR NAME?"
"Hobag T. Clown," he said.
"WHAT... IS YOUR QUEST?"
"To get home, or at least get drunk off my ass."
"WHY IS MISTER COLLINS THE CHRIST FIGURE?!?! BE COMPLETE!!"
Hobag, confused by this question, stammered, "Uh, what?"
"WRONG!!!!!" The rather chubby queen proceeded to spray a multitude of parasites and gooey juices on Hobag, making him understandably uncomfortable.
"What you doin', ho?" he asked, having recently taken Ebonics Lesson.
"SILENCE, OR I WILL MAKE EMPTY THREATS AGAINST YOU!! NOW, READ MY COOL BOOKMARK!!!"
After reading the silly poem, Hobag laughed loudly and rudely. "That be a dumbass trip, homes!"
Enraged, but powerless after spending its energy, the annoying queen ran away to discuss irony with Larry the SCV. Hobag then looked in his survival kit for something to wipe the nasty queen-spit off with. He found a bag of crack, an empty Jack Daniels, and some hairy dental floss. "What?! Why is there floss in here?"
While Hobag was pondering his puzzling inventory, a small broodling appeared out of nowhere, looking very distressed. "Where is Miss Drabwash? Where? My life is meaningless without her!" he began violently sobbing. Disgusted by this, Hobag squashed it with his foot and laughed.
A mindless SCV came up to him and yelled, "You us save thing from! Shades, freshman? Kinginess! Carriers (BLINK) bacon!"
SCV was another language Hobag was fluent in. He understood that they wanted him to be their king. He knew he could create an army of super SCVs (SSCV)... somehow.
And then he would have revenge... sweet, sweet revenge...
Part 3
After a few days of Hobag's fearful rule, all the SCVs rebelled and banished him back to Earth with their SCV powers. (Not only was Hobag a slave driver, he also had the bad habit of getting wasted and killing dozens of the little buggers at a time.)
Being SCVs, however, they were inept and stupid with their banishing. Instead of sending him to Earth, they sent him to Bizarro. By extreme circumstances, he landed in Bizarro-Mona Shores. He saw four people in a ring near a door, talking to themselves.
The first, Cire, was very calm and happy, always remarking on how wonderful Mona Shores was and talking well of its teachers. Another, La, was constantly making depressing remarks about the situation of the world. The third, Nai, was extremely nonviolent and always wanted to help other people. The last, Nodnarb, was very talkative and did very well on math tests. Luap came by to give gifts to everyone, then went over to talk to his senior friends.
The tooth fairy appeared before him. Never having seen a fairy, Hobag shot it, killing it instantly. He heard a voice in his head. "Thank you for killing the tooth fairy, Hobag. I'll put you on my nice list--hohoho!"
"Santa? Why do you want the tooth fairy dead?"
"I want to collect teeth to make twisted evil toys for my own amusement. Hohoho!"
This was, of course, Bizarro Santa, and Hobag shot him as well.
Hobag was very frightened by all this and immediately got drunk to shield himself from this cruel world's evils. When he woke up, he found himself in his shack on Earth.
"It was all a dream, bitch?! How can dis be, yo?"
A voice yelled, "TIME FOR ANOTHER STUPID PARODY, FOO!"
"Get back to work, slave!" someone yelled at Hobag, who found himself in a work camp in the desert.
"Isn't it great? We only have one more week of labor and we get a five minute break!" a fellow slave told Hobag.
"Alright slaves, because it's almost time to give you a break, we must have you sit in uncomfortable chairs, doing nothing for hours on end, to prepare you for a final work test which we pretend is hard!!"
Hobag got on an acid trip and slaughtered (with his SMG) the entire camp, except a groveling little boy named Stephen Buy (guess who that is!), who he tied up and left to dehydrate slowly and painfully.
Hobag used his magical escape item, the "pope's dope soap on a rope", to (hopefully) get back home.
Hobag found himself in a wormhole, the insides of which are very colorful and happy--"Like bein' high," Hobag observed.
Hobag was assaulted by a terrible smell. "Smells like... a paper mill!!! No!!!" He tried to run away from this smell, but, alas, it was (DA DA DUN!!!!) omni-sniffy!!!
Hobag, being resourceful, decreased his sense of smell by snorting an immense amount of crack.
"YOU ARE A REBEL, STILL!" Apparently those crazy demons weren't done with him yet.
"QUESTION: WHO SAID... 'HELLO'? YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS."
"Um..."
"WRONG! IT WAS THE SHE-MALE, NARROWMINDED ONE!"
Hobag was then plunged into the pit of eternal doom by the old man from scene 46.
The End?
(Yes)