Lately I have been obsessed with the idea of change or self-modification. Change of the self and the preoccupation that what we do, who we are, and how we look can or should always be made better. But change is immeasurably difficult whether it is drastic and abrupt or stretched out over long periods of time. In this world it is near impossible to avoid habitual behavior and addictions. In a consumer capitalist society, certain habits and addictions are encouraged and positively reinforced, such as the way we eat and the way we expect passive entertainment. Changing emotional habits and ways of thinking is also exceedingly problematic, as if these attributes are so ingrained into our consciousness that they cannot be altered. So in my experience with desire for change I have begun to question what it will take for me. I badly want to change so many things about myself but can never stick to my expectations and break away from my routines. These writing drawings represent a desperate act, an intense, forced attempt at positive change. They are an inquisitive investigation into the self, meant to reveal truths and new understandings while at the same time cleansing and purging of the things that cause harm. I am constantly in need of change; positive transformations that I know would make life better. If I force all my thought down onto paper, paying close attention and trying hard to inspire myself to change by reinforcing both the negativity of the harmful and the positivity that changes in the right direction would result in, then maybe I can achieve some change. Maybe the final drawings will be pure, honest reminders of what I feel is right and what I need. And once I get things out of my system and out of my life, I can begin to concern myself with more important problems and ideas outside my self centered preoccupation with being a better, more productive, less distracted, less lazy person.

 

In direct contrast to these writing experiments I engaged in a project involving concentration on something formal and tactile, an activity that reflects and encourages a clear, calm state of mind. The process is the intense study and reaction to light and shadow as they create value across the surface of violently crinkled paper. In one drawing I marked the surface with charcoal wherever shadow was present. In another I erased into a surface that was already darkened with the charcoal wherever light was striking. This process was slow, tedious, and highly focused on the experience of form, vision, and mark making. This was an attempt at clearing the mind through a more meditative, purely formal drawing approach in hopes of removing from the mind the distractions and impurities of daily life and acting as a provider of time to evoke positive change and positive thought.

 

Taken as a whole, this body of work seems to be a dramatic performance of either obsession or self-absorption that is intended to prepare me for a controlled and pure life by forcing change in thought processes and therefore behaviors. It is difficult to measure the success of this intention because I did not execute the project with as much intensity and compulsion that I believed was necessary to make it work. For this process to be effective I need to be completely immersed in the making of this work. To do this right I envision being locked in a room, deprived of everything but the tools and paper for working, for unprecedented amounts of time. The process needs to be in balance with the desired outcome. If I desire drastic change in myself and my life, then I would need to take drastic measures that would force this change, because casually working on a drawing as I please is not going to force me to change or do anything else.