Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

How did the leper castrate himself? -Jerking off.

In the presence of 40,000 fans and a 200 strong police escort, Miss Colombia, Maria Teresa Egurrola got ready to kick the first ball of the new football season, handing her purse to a bystander to hold for her. He stole it.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of
the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.