3-28-2003

hehe.. 3 months since i last wrote in this thing.. that's kinda pathetic.  at least i have lotsa stuff to write about.. school's going great.. 3 weeks til the last day of class!  woohoo!  i'm so sick of studying and all that crap.. pretending that i'm smart.. you know how that goes.  unfortunately, i've decided to take summer course as well so... my happiness might not last that long.  anyway.. talking about pretensions.. last week, this guy in my stats class asked me out.  i was so surprised.. i mean, what guy in his right mind asks me out, right?  i was shocked into speechlessness.. and on top of that, i didn't want to be mean... so i was like, "uh..... sure....."  only when i walked away did i realize what an idiot i was... i didn't want to be involved in any kind of relationship concerning him, excluding friendship, PLUS.. i knew that he had to be older than 22.  so, i formulated a plan, being the smart idiot that i am.. i called him up and we had an entertaining conversation.... he found out i was 17 and was in shock.  first, i got the vibe that he was thinking, "OH MY GOD, she's 17."  next was, "oh my god i'm 21"... then finally, "oh my god i feel stupid".... lol.  it was funny.. it took all of my self-discipline to not burst out laughing, because as everybody knows i get mean when i'm amused.. heck, i get mean just.. whenever, that is, if i'm in the right situation.  

so yeah.. that was interesting.  many interesting encounters with guys ever since i got my contacts.  what's even more interesting.. these guys are not.. intelligent, opinionated, good-looking.. etc.  NO, i'm not shallow, or at least i hope not.  i like people with character, with personalities, with real opinions that they didn't get from some magazine article or tv show, and it doesn't matter what they look like... but when you have ugly, stupid people that come up to you and try to hit on you like in my situation, it kinda makes me wonder if i'm one of the low standard kinda girls that guys use as filler people between real girlfriends.  *sigh*.. my situation puts me in a little quandary.. i'm 17, so do i hang out with guys who are my age yet still in high school, or guys that are 19 or 20 who are at the same education level as i am?  OR... do i just revert back to my glasses and watch people, instead of having people watch me?  you know, i can't believe i'm saying/writing this, but it gets kinda lonely when you scare people off by telling them your age, in both relationships and friendships... grrr.. i wish i could get back to my old cynical self.. everything made sense back then, and if it didn't, i could make it make sense...

4-9-2003

9 days and counting til the last day of classes.. it's like having senioritis all over again, except for the depressing realization that i still have 7 more years of schooling left.. argh!  hehe.. but, let's just ignore that fact for a little while.. hmm.. well, it seems like i've just lost my inspiration for writing stuff in here.. that's not good.  oh yes.. now i remember.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?  

first off, let me talk about my dad.  2 weeks ago on a sunday, i hung out with my friend.. i was just chilling, having a nice time and all of a sudden my cell phone rings.  it was my dad.. he yelled, "MAYSEE DAWN, it's already 7:45 (pm) and you're not home yet!  it's already late!"  after that i sorta tuned out cuz i was soooo freakin pissed that the ringing in my ears drowned out the tone of his enraged voice.  LATE???  it was only frickin 7:45 pm... SEVEN FORTY FIVE.  bah!  anyway, i left immediately, got home and heard from my sister that my dad had thrown a temper tantrum right after he hung up on me.  YES, he hung up on me... so yeah.. i tried to stay out of his way until i started thinking about what happened, so i confronted him.  his excuse for being mad was that 1) i didn't tell anyone where i was going and 2) he didn't know my friend's parents.  first of all.. i told my sister where i was going when i left, i left a note, AND, i had my cell phone with me so it wasn't like he couldn't find out where i was.  secondly, know my friend's parents?  aren't i in college... as in the students aren't under the parent's roof... as in he couldn't know them because they're living far away from home?  what the hell?  did he think that i was going to be prostituting myself or something because he didn't know my friend's parents?  

ANYWAY.. moving on... on monday, the next day, my dad called me up on my cell phone while i was still on campus.  he wasn't saying anything.. so i asked him why he called.  he said, "can't i call you?"  i replied, "yes, but i don't see what there is to talk about.. i don't talk to you, and there is nothing i have to say."  again, he hung up on me... allow me to say that i do have an attitude.. but what was he thinking?  that i'd be all lovey-dovey on the phone after he had embarrassed me by calling me at quarter to 8 and making me come home the day before?  i don't get lovey-dovey period.. let alone when i'm still aggravated.  SOOOO... i get home, he gets home.  he called me up to him like a dog and said, "you have no respect for no one, not even for yourself, so i'm going to teach you respect.  you're grounded for a week.  no tv, no phone including your cell, and no computer.  UNDERSTAND?!"  i said, "yes" and walked to my room.. pissed as hell.  once i got to my room however, i started laughing... i was grounded from what?  i don't watch tv except for the weather portion of the news, my dad is the only one who calls on my cell phone telling me when to buy gas, and i go on the computer mainly to do homework.  plus.. the teaching me respect thing was quite amusing.. to my dad, respect means to be deathly afraid of someone.  whatever.. anyway.. a few days after that i got into a huge fight with him.. and essentially told him that since he doesn't like me being blunt and telling him the truth, i'll just start blowing smoke up his ass and he'll never know what i'm doing.  all he'll know is what he wants to hear.. he was disturbed at that.  my philosophy is, or was, that i would tell my parents everything.. no lies, no nothing.  if they didn't like it, too bad, but at least they'd know and i wouldn't have to go behind their backs.  but, no... my dad wants to hear what he wants to hear.... so that's what he'll get.  i don't see what i can hide though.. i don't drink, i don't smoke.. i don't party.. actually, i don't socialize at all because my dad doesn't like it.  this is another thing that aggravates me.. last semester he overheard a conversation that my sister and i had about how it was really hard for me to make friends on campus cuz i lived off-campus, and using that against me, my dad always said that i had no friends and that it was my fault.  then, i start socializing, or attempt to socialize this semester and my dad gets pissed cuz he doesn't know their parents.  well SCREW THAT.. screw him.. ARRGGGHH!  hmm.. unresolved aggravation... let me stop right here on this topic cuz i can go on forever...

new subject.. same theme though (the what is wrong with people theme)... hmm.. or maybe it's a new theme - the what is wrong with me theme.  in the last weeks, 2 guys have somehow become infatuated with me and i've had to pull the "let's just be friends" line on them... i know that it takes guts to tell someone that you like them, not that i've had any personal experiences with that of course, and to be shot down with the "let's just be friends" line is damaging.  i personally think that line is worse than the "i hate you, leave me alone" line, because there is no finality to it.  i used to do the "i hate you, leave me alone" line but i got too good at it, so i'm trying to be nice and now i'm saying "let's just be friends".... sometimes i really do want to stay friends, but it's awkward.  anyway.. what i'm trying to figure out is if there is something wrong with those guys including the stats guy in my previous entry, or if i'm just too chicken shit to pursue anything, therefore i automatically think that i just want to stay friends.  man.... 2 months ago, i would've immediately said there's something wrong with those guys, but now i'm forced to analyze myself.  i hate analyzing myself.. my friend romel kept telling me that i should do it one time and now i can't stop.. damn him.  hehe.. so yeah.. i personally don't think there is anything to me.. i'm just maysee, nothing extraordinary.  anybody can be anything.. i could be anybody i wanted to be, so why do people say that they like me?  do they like me, or the person i decided to be that day?  hmmmm....... argh.. this is why i hate analyzing myself...

4-10-2003

8 days til the last day of classes... woohoo!  i can't begin to write how ecstatic i am..... now only if i could make myself write that last term paper for my honors class... i don't even know why i signed up for the honors program.. it just makes you do a lot more crap... i mean, work.. hehe.  anyway... it's quite interesting how things can change in one day.... last night i was actually putting forth an effort to be civil to my dad because i'm supposed to be blowing smoke up his ass.. and hey, it's working.. teehee.  i think i may be able to get him to let me live on campus next year.. yay!  i'm not quite sure if it's my diplomacy that did it or if he's just sick of my shit.. either way, it's all good.  i've been fantasizing about it all day... and then it finally hit me.. the reason that i'm doing so well in school right now is because i have no social life.... what if i start getting one when i live on campus and my gpa plummits??  that wouldn't be good.... so, now i'm trying to figure out if i'm in danger of getting a social life.. hehe.... i'm not quite sure yet.  this semester i talked to a couple of people, but do 5 minutes a day constitute a social life?  nah.. probably not... HOWEVER,  i wish i could've talked to some particular people a lot more.. i don't want to bare my soul on this thing.. people might actually read it... hehe.. i don't know where i'm going with this.. i'm tired but caffeinated.. i need some.... donuts.. mmm... what a great idea... 

4-14-2003

common sense has finally started to kick in.. a few days ago i was so excited about the prospect of me living on campus, far far away from my dad and his insane rules... but now it's all gone to hell.  hehe.. if i look at it from a miserly point of view, one year of living on campus is the equivalent of buying a car, which would hopefully run well..... anyway, investment-wise, the car would last a whole lot longer than that one year, or at least i'd hope so.  AND.. i'd have to deal with people who don't know my annoying living quirks, and i wouldn't be able to steal my sister's clothes... i'd have to be nice perpetually because i wouldn't want to alienate the people that i'd be living with... i'd have no car, i can't work so therefore i'd have no source of income... and on top of that my gpa would suffer.  HOWEVER... i still wouldn't have to worry about me getting into a huge argument with my dad when i come home at 7:00 pm, i could make my own decisions, i wouldn't have to leave at 9:50 just to get to class by 11:00, i wouldn't have to hide any boyfriends (hehe.. just joking), and i'd be able to actually have a social life.  hmmm.. so, is money more important or freedom?  i don't know anymore.. i'll probably have to go with money.... that's so pathetic.. i'm so disappointed in myself...

4-18-2003

last day of class today.. woohoo!  i could feel the happiness on campus.. for example, take my chem discussion this morning.. 6 out of the 30 students showed up.  i felt like a nerd.. but hey.. i paid for that hour.. hehe.  anyway.. this year went by really quickly.. now all that's left is my exams... STRESS.. but only for just one more week.  i went out this afternoon to celebrate.. by myself.. hehe... went to baskin n' robbins for some jamocha almond fudge ice cream.. mmmm... that is some good stuff.  anyway.. i was thinking.. what am i going to do this summer?  i decided not to take any summer classes after all,  and i also can't work here... i won't be able to go out cuz i won't have any money and because of my dad... sooo... what do i do?  hmm.. i'll prolly end up playing video games all day.. hehe.  hey.. that sounds really good actually... maybe i'll finally finish zelda on snes.. hehe..  

4-29-2003

2 days into summer vacation.. and i'm loving it.  hehe.. i haven't quite gotten into my "let's clean everything" mode, but i'm getting there.  blah.. don't really have anything to write here.. oh.. wait.. no.... nothing.. lol....

4-30-2003

it's kinda funny how things change, how people change... take, for instance, my friendship with david.  he'll prolly read this, so i'll have to screen everything out.. hehe.. but, anyway.. he used to be this immature brat that thought he was mature... haha.. so much for screening things out.  actually, it's necessary to show how much he's grown.. hehe.  now he's this "professional, intellectual" type person who's got his head straight at least 70% of the time.. or at least i think so.. hehe.  man..   yeah.. people change...... people say i've changed, but i don't see how.  maybe, they think i've changed because i never actually let them see me as i really am before... or maybe i'm just losing my sarcastic touch and actually becoming nice... ack!  what is the world coming to?  lol.. anyway.. one thing i do know is that i look different... those damn contacts man.. i miss looking like a nerd.. hehe... go to the pics page HERE