Columns
Starting in late 2004 (when I was a sophomore in high school), I attempted to write a column in the style of Dave Barry, who I'd read for years previous. Half of the humor of the column ended up being that half of the page was regular text while the bottom half consisted of 24 footnotes. Since then, I wrote columns for various reasons: pleasure, high school newspaper, radio show. For a while, I posted copies on my Facebook and MySpace pages, but there's never been a definitive back catalog of them all. So, half for your reading pleasure and half for my own personal vanity, here is the complete column collection (in PDF form):
Fake news stories
After I finally realized that The Onion was a fake news outlet, I started writing my own. I consider them slightly separate from the other (normal) columns. All of these stories are fake, but you're smart enough to know that, aren't you?
Local student upset that roommate would not accept Facebook friend request (11/1/07)
Disney buys out Marvel, DC looks for potential buyers (11/4/09)
Weezer to release new album... er, single after 'Raditude' (10/21/09)
Dad abandons family so offspring can write "that song"(12/9/09)
Pornography industry buys out Hershey's to begin production of 'candy porn' (11/18/09)
Milk wants discrimination to stop (12/2/09)
2009
No hablo espanol (12/2/09)
Ya wanna Kwanzaa? (12/16/09)
A letter to girls about facial hair
(10/21/09)The Chris Slattery Guide to Picking Up
Chicks During the Last Few Days of
October (10/27/09)Standing room only (10/21/09)
My Small, Skinny, Indie Wedding
(11/11/09)My Small, Skinny, Indie Baby
(11/18/09)I got my driver's license... ladies
(8/26/09)
2008
2007
not yet available
The archives
not yet available
Ruminations
Some Ruminations that didn't make it on the official website, but I still think can be enjoyed.
Honestly, how difficult can it be to figure out my roommate's Facebook password?
Don't shit where you eat. That means that you shouldn't poop in the dining room. But that shouldn't stop you from eating where you shit.
For the 12 Days of Christmas, let's just stick with 9 ladies dancing and call it good.
I'd like to think that I have a large vocabulary, but as soon as I sit down to play Scrabble, it diminishes to "dig," "sit," and "pat." Double letter, bitch.
Is there a way to say "I don't like you that way" that doesn't make me sound like I'm in middle school?
The fear of splinters prevents me from walking barefot across hardwood floors.
I've never done acid before, but I have listened to The Flaming Lips with the lights of before.
My personalized 'best friends' group on Facebook consists of all the people that I talk to on a regular basis, and a small collection of girls who I might have the courage to talk to some day.
There are too many people with the same first name as me on campus!
My 'Get Fuzzy' one-a-day calendar doesn't complete me as much as I thought it would.
Recently, I've been having individual toes on my feet fall asleep. I don't know whether I should get it checked out or let it go for as long as possible to put myself in the shoes of a toe amputee.
"Beer before liquor, never been sicker." But there's also the lesser-known: "Liquor before beer, where the hell's here?"
I love kids so much, it should be illegal. ...wait...
I"m actualy pretty glad that my life won't be made into a movie, because I know that Michael Cera would end up playing me.