6-8-2003

much has changed in the past 2 weeks... in the past year, actually.  last year, i was bitching about... everything, and now i'm not willing to put the effort to bitch about anything anymore.. hehe.  i went to the graduation of my senior friends, and realized how weird everything can change in just a measly 365 days.  and.. in this one year, i've changed from an all-out nerd to a lazy procrastinating person who will settle for just a 3.953 (hehe).. i've changed from a person that no one would even bother wasting a glance at to a person that is grotesquely disturbed by all the stares and gawks that i'm now getting.. and, i've changed from a man-hating feminazi to a person who's finally hooked up with somebody while still retaining that self-respect and feminism that i thought i'd lose.  imagine that.. maysee.. not anti-guy.. actually going out with someone.  *shudder*  what is the world coming to?  hehe.. anyway.. i'm taking a big step tonight.. changing my status online to NOT SINGLE.. WHOA.... hehe.. it's official now.  hehe.. while i'm doing this, i'm also taking the risk that no one of importance reads this.. cuz if my dad finds out, i'll be NOT SINGLE and DEPORTED back to canada cuz i'm not supposed to be dating anyone til i'm out of med school.... i don't know what he's smoking.. but ack.. screw him.  hehe.. well, i'm gonna stop now.. gotta get some sleep...

7-8-2003

what's the big deal with relationships?  why does everybody seem to hype it up, make it necessary to living life?  now, having experienced it, i can safely say it's a whole load of bullshit that the media and hallmark keep pounding into your brain... i knew this all before, so why did i decide to go through with it?  when people see me, they always think that i've been through the relationship cycle many times before while i've only had one relationship (if you could even call it that), but why bother when it's all useless?  the effort you put into it, the thought you put into it.. the pain you get out of it.. you could be putting forth all that into something worth all of that shit... not that i personally got hurt or anything.. hehe.  i don't understand.. if i'm worth hitting on and taking on the risk of rejection, wouldn't i be worth keeping as well?  or maybe.. guys just see girls as little notches in their belts of who they've successfully "caught".  ack.. well.. whatever.  all this bitching, and i'm still going out with the little fucker.. our 6 weeks of whatever you want to call it could really be condensed into 2 weeks.. this should've ended 4 weeks ago... this should've never started in the first place.  i should've known the only thing for me in this world was my nerddomship.. hehehe.. i'm so pathetic..

7-9-2003

bored out of my mind.. so, now i'm starting to think of imaginative ways to dump my soon to be ex-boyfriend. do i want to be nice, or do i just want to be me? do i want to say i deserve better, or do i want to say he's just not ready for a relationship? hmm.. or.. do i not want to call him up and not even tell him that it's over.. not that i could actually call him up, mind you, cuz the little fucker's never home anyway, and he only calls me maybe once a week for 10 min.. just enough to say, "hey, what's up?  i missed you.. oh sorry babe, gotta go..."  at the rate this is going, he'll prolly figure out it's over when he sees me at the mall with some other dude.. tsk tsk.. hey.. that would be some interesting fireworks... hehe... actually, no.. that wouldn't happen cuz i think i'm done with this dating shit for this summer vacation at least... maybe i might consider it for the next long vacation.. christmas perhaps?  hmm... i think i need some donuts.. mmm.. krispy kreme's.. that will make all my problems go away.. for maybe 2 seconds...

7-18-2003

all my friends have abandoned me this weekend... all three of my friends.. hehehe.. am i pathetic or what?  my friend alex just took off to texas to visit her cousins, and david and derrick are in toronto.. without me.  *sniff sniff*  the plan was to go with them so i could go back and be with my toronto people.. but no, my dad had to be a little prick and make me go camping with him this weekend because i've been a sinful girl:  i've been coming home at 11 for the past week.  ooohh... 11... there's just so much sin going on at 11 o'clock at night.  geez.. anyway.. i think this is his way of reconverting me to the churchy way because i'm so obviously on the straight and narrow way to hell.   argh!  i don't understand why there is such a lack of trust.. does he really think i'm going to fornicate myself just because i'm maysee?  does he really think i'd intentionally mess up my life after all the hard work and shit that i've had to go through just to get to the position i am in today?  i don't know man.. i guess i'm just evil incarnate and he just has this special power to see all this evil in me... don't even know if it's possible for me to somehow prove him wrong when everything i do seems to prove him right.  but, even the things that i do that prove him right don't give me any satisfaction, i.e. my recent "relationship" that i'm not quite sure even existed... *sigh*  i hope david and derrick bring me back enough canadian chocolate to ease my overworked mind...

7-22-2003

camping was.. a bitch.  i think instead of pulling me back to the church, as my dad had intended it to, it just repulsed me even further.  i spent as little time as possible with my father, as i really can't deal without his bullshit and i don't want to be sent to jail for kicking his ass, and this church lady came up to me and said, "maysee, i'm so disappointed in you.. you haven't spent any time with your family this entire weekend.  and, you didn't even play the keyboard for worship this morning..."  well whoopdy fucking doo.. argh!  yeah.. you know.. that's all i'm good for apparently.  playing piano or being somebody's trophy... whenever i do anything at church, people go up to my dad and say shit like he must be a great parent for having such a smart, piano-playing daughter.. never mind that i used to practice piano frickin 3 hours a day.. or never mind that i study the hell out of my books and notes that i turn into a sun-hating hermit during the school year.. it must be my dad's overwhelming presence that motivates me to do well.  hmm.. i mean, what else could motivate me?  could it possibly be that i want to do well for myself and not just for my father's approval?  

things to ponder upon.... hehe.. anyway..  and then, there goes the boyfriend that probably used me more for heightening his self-esteem levels because he thought i was a pretty little trinket to have.. i should've just given him a picture when we first met and told him to get lost.. it would sure have stopped me from wasting any time and thoughts on all that bullshit and it would've lasted a whole lot longer.  actually, on second thought, i didn't waste any time at all.. i wasted thoughts and precious brain power better spent on academics, but time?  don't think seeing him for a total of 10 times during the 2 months we dated was much of a waste of time.. geez.. i spent more time with my video games than him.. hehe.. it's such a joke.  everything i do is a joke... the schoolwork, the church-going, the pretending to get along with my dad.. what's the point?  people always tell me that ahead of me is a bounty of opportunities to be had.. but what use is that?  do i just follow what's laid out in front of me?  do i just listen to my dad and go to school, get good grades and make lots of money so i don't die poor and therefore i won't die lonely cuz i'll have all the money in the world to buy people off with?  or.. do i listen to my dad and my mom put together so in the end the plan is to go to school, find a husband, get good grades, make lots of money, make lots of babies to put money into stock investments so they can go to school, find a spouse, etc.. and after that, when i'm a granny i can crochet with all the yarn in the world and die with lots of money that's left over.  why do i even try to rebel and bitch and piss my dad off when in the end all i'll do is continue the vicious cycle that he's stuck in?  i wish... i don't even know what i wish... it's so pathetic.. all i want to do is go and finish my final fantasy 7 game and i can't even do that cuz my sister's hogged the tv with the 3 channels that we have... she's having lots of fun channel surfing man.. argh.. i don't know what's wrong with me.. this is what happens when i can't play my games.. sheesh.. hehe

7-24-2003

went to a concert today.. my very first one.. now i'm a full-fledged rocker chick.. hehe.  i can even play the guitar.. ish.. maybe for 5 minutes and then my fingers start to cramp up.  that's what i get for spending too much time on the piano, computer and video games... anyway.. at the concert, i noticed that i seemed to attract many dirty looks... usually i could care less, but it started to disturb me.  i started to become aware that out of the couple hundred people that were there, my sister, david and i were the only dark ones there, and i mean naturally dark, not artificially.  i guess i just defy the asian stereotype of liking that rap crap and the hip hop thing and whatever, because it didn't seem quite right that i'd be there at a rock concert.  i had never felt out of place until i moved to michigan.  in toronto, race didn't matter... there was no stigma attached to your skin colour, at least none that i had encountered.  and then, i moved here.. i guess i do follow the stereotype somewhat because i'm "smart" and i play the piano, but why does that have to be specifically asian?  it irks me when people are surprised because i can speak english fluently without being ill-grammered, or when people are surprised that i don't know kung fu, AND.. the worst one is when they're surprised that i don't have an asian "thug" boyfriend.  you would think that in a country filled with diversity such as america, the stereotypes would disappear for ignorance breeds stereotypes... but, they just flourish here instead... ech.. i just forgot the point i was trying to make... but, doesn't it seem wrong to everybody else, or is it just me?  

7-28-2003

i just went into my late night/early morning thinking mode, and what i've figured out is that it all boils down to this:  after all is said and done and all the emotional angst and whatnot settles down, i always return to my piano, video games, and computer.  the issues come and go, the friends come and go.. and then i'm always left to crawl back to my inanimate objects.  but hey, it's all good, right?  my piano won't let me down... unless it goes out of tune... my video games won't let me down... until i beat my entire rpg inventory... my computer won't let me down.. unless it crashes.  hehe.. well, that was very comforting.  i probably just jinxed myself into having carpal tunnel so i can't do all three.  i don't know man... my friend romel and i were talking about how we're all simple, but we want others to think otherwise.  what's wrong with simplicity?  who said that things had to be complicated?  granted, i have an impenetrable barrier of cynicism and sarcasm around me, but once you look beyond that, you see a disappointing sight of simplicity.  *sigh*  i only get like this when i need food.. but, i can't even get myself some rice because my dad threw away our rice cooker.. geez... he just forsook our asian heritage.. hehe...