5-6-2003

just checked out my final grades online for the 2003 winter semester.. got 3 A's, and 2 A-'s... that pisses me off man.  hehe.. yes, i know i'm weird.. but dammit, i got those A-'s in classes that didn't even matter - my medical terminology class and that damn honors archaeology class i had to take.  grrr... whatever man.. it's another form of an A, right?  but.. my GPA is now a 3.950 or something like that.. i don't know.. all i know that it's not a 4.0.  it's so damaging to my self-esteem.. *sniff sniff*  how could i, a former valedictorian, reduce myself to settling for a 3.950???  argh.. hehe.. oh well.. life goes on, right?  i'm so pitiful.. hehe.. it's just when i sacrifice my potential social life in order to get A's, i better damn well get an A... but i didn't.  i think i've finally realized that grades aren't everything.  FINALLY.. hehe.. it's so sad.  i used to tell myself that grades weren't everything, but i didn't really internalize it.  hmmm.. i told myself at the beginning of this year, "maysee, don't have any regrets.. no regrets this year."  but, how do i live like that when everything that i do seems to always end up never being enough?  ack... i'm getting into one of those phases again.. you know, the ones that happen when i have issues with my dad in which he tells me that i'm the worst child that has ever existed on this planet, and it's even worse because everybody thinks i'm great but he sees through my little act... geez.... i need an ice cream break...

5-7-2003

today i went back to creston, my old high school.. man.. i've never gotten so many weird stares before.  i realize i look just a little bit different, but not ogling-worthy different.  this one girl was like, "oh my gosh maysee, you look so pretty!"  i don't really know how to take that.. does that mean i wasn't pretty before, or does that mean that i look pretty without my glasses, or does that mean she's sick and tired of looking at all the ugly people at creston?  hmm.. i remember in grade 8, this one boy named kesean told my then best-friend anita that i was ugly, and now all these people are coming up to me and telling me how great i look.  it just astounds me, because personally i really don't think i look that good.. in fact, i know that i don't look that good.  so.. maybe it's just these people from grand rapids who haven't seen anybody with a permanent tan before and think it's "exotic", therefore i must be sexy.  or perhaps it's because all these americans are giants and they're just looking at me from the wrong angle.. yeah.. it's got to be either one of those two.  either way, i don't know how to respond to the attention.. and is it really the kind of attention that i want?  i'd rather be remembered as someone with a beautiful mind than a beautiful face, but then again, nobody (who's normal) ever wants to have a mutilated face.. but wait?  who said i'm normal?  hehe...

5-13-2003

just went through my past recent entries... i'm so ashamed. i never knew it would come to this, that i would be talking about boys and all that relationship melodrama crap and actually be serious about it. i never knew the day would come.. *sigh* my life has become so uneventful that now relationships and whatnot are interesting issues to me.. what happened to the days when i used to ridicule everybody who bought into that crap? i think i've been brainwashed by watching too much tv and movies.. a few days ago, i cried at the end of moulin rouge for goodness sakes, the gawdiest and most retarded film i've seen as of yet.. what's happening to me????

5-20-2003

my car is going down the shitter.. most of it is my fault, granted.. but it's still going down the shitter.  i was late for my oil change by 500 miles, i didn't change my brake pads in time so now i've gotta get new rotors and all that stuff, and my muffler just dropped this week.  geez.. by the time i'm done with this car, i'll be a car expert from fixing all the stupid expensive repairs that i've done.. and i only bought the car for frickin $200.  i'm supposed to be getting a new car this summer.. but what can you buy with only $4000??  maybe i should've saved up some money.. teehee.  this sucks... i wish i could work.  people tell me that i should enjoy my "vacation" from work as long as i can, but i hate it that my dad holds the insurance and all those other bills over my head.. it's so sad.. money really does equal power...