12-25-2003

this by far was the worst christmas.. got the flu from my sister, david and jake yesterday.  so, i woke up at 3 today with a blazing fever.  i crawled out of my bed wondering where everybody was.. i went into the living room and saw all the presents unwrapped, all 5 of them.  everybody turned out to be downstairs watching tv, and when i came into the room, i didn't get any acknowledgement except from my dad, who said, "oh.. you still live here?"  my estrangement from my family is now complete.  they didn't even care to ask if i was alright, seeing that my lips were purple and i was a strange colour of pink from the fever.  they were too enthralled with their stupid tv show to care.  but, hey that's alright... they're just my family right?  all that connects us is genetics, and i'm only related to my parents by 50%, and my sister, i could probably be related to her in just 25% of our genetics.  

bleh... i hate christmas.  i hate people.. you have to contort yourself to whatever they want you to be for you to be accepted.  i don't want to deal with it anymore... don't want to deal with them anymore.. why won't they just all fucking leave me alone instead of throwing me little scraps to get my hopes up and then crush me when i decide to give in?  why do they say that they care when all they want from you is to be somebody to make them feel important?  i'm tired of listening to people's shit.. tired of wanting to tell them what i want to say but it never happens because i can't find the words and they can't find the patience to listen.. i hate people... 

12-23-2003

an eventful weekend.. i was having an early birthday celebration on sunday night, the 21st, when my mom called me up and told me that my grandma had finally died. i felt like i had just been stabbed, and it instantly disappeared.. and i can't seem to feel anything anymore.  my grandpa called me up today to see if i would play something on the piano for her funeral, and he just started rambling on and on about how she had just wanted to go home, and he had promised her that she'd be home on christmas.  and.. she didn't make it.  i'm glad.. she shouldn't have had to go through that anymore... but, i don't know...... 

12-19-2003

i got a care package from carmelita, my best friend since grade 6... i was so happy, i cried.  someone cares!  and immediately after that i felt like shit because..... someone cares... and i don't.  not that i don't care about carmy, but it's just that i'm such a shitty friend.  ever since i moved to michigan, she has sent me letters, stationaries, drawings and all that wonderful stuff, and i have sent her..... nothing, unless emails count.  she vents to me about her problems and... i pretty much tell her nothing, which seems to be the pattern for all my friends.  i've come to realize that when it comes to friendships, i'm pretty much a brick wall.  i sit my ass down, wait for someone to come along after they've been smacked around by the world, and then listen to whatever they have to say.  they feel better, they leave, and i'm still there waiting for the next person to come.  all i do is say, "ok" or "continue" or "i'm sorry, are you ok?"  yeah.. so that was clue #1 to making a great friendship work just in case anybody was wondering, or reading for that matter.  

i've become the "all-knowing" maysee when in reality all i do is tell people the obvious truth or what they already know.  and, even better, i don't want to become like them.. don't want to rely on anybody else for my emotional welfare, sanity or whatever you want to call it.  eventually one day they'll just let you down, as i'm sure one day i'll let down all of these "friends" of mine if i haven't already.  and, every time someone acts like they care like with carmy, it just makes me feel more alone because i know one day i'll lose her, i'll lose all of them... but what does it matter when a person like me loses these so-called friends?  i'm just a brick wall, right?  

moving on.... apparently i'm a brick wall who has failed her mission in life.. found out my grades for the fall 2003 semester.. 4 A-'s and one A.. that's right, i'm a failure.  for someone who shuts out everybody just for the sake of doing well in school, i had better damn well get an A, but i got FOUR A-'s.  it's kinda ironic.. this was what i was trained to do, this is what i'm made to do, and i really don't give a shit anymore.  didn't give a shit when i was valedictorian, didn't give a shit toward the end of the semester, and i don't give a shit that i'm a junior after 1 and a half years of college... i don't know what's supposed to matter to me anymore.. family?  no.  school?  no.  religion?..

i have a few questions:  why can't we be good on our own?  why do we need a higher being to validate our existence?  why must i listen to a god that tells me that i am inherently evil, so much so that my own natural functions make me unclean (the menstrual cycle in deuteronomy), that i shall have birthing pains because my foremother was the first one who introduced evil into this world although she was tricked and adam was the one who willingly chose to go with the woman that he loved (genesis), that i cannot act as any important person in the church except as someone under male supervision or as a cook, and that after all this, i must go and find myself a husband that i must submit to and bear children to?  there was never any condition as loving the man that you were to marry because the couple didn't even meet before their wedding day usually.  and, on top of that, god allowed men to have more than one wife (jacob/israel with rachel and leah) and they could also have concubines.  so, i should get married to a man i don't love and who doesn't love me, sleep with him and bear him children, and he can go fuck any hole he can find.  yes... and, all this in the name of love - in the name of love god will make his son go through an incarnation to become a lesser being, to go through hell and let him be crucified, all for the sake of saving little shits like us (merry christmas by the way).  i'm so glad... please let me thank you personally when you kill me with fire to purify my soul in hell.  

you wouldn't be able to see it nowadays, but in ancient cultures from which our culture and religions are stemmed from, women were oppressed because of this paranoia that they would take over and ruin the patriarchal system.. you could just read aristophanes' lysistrata, or euripides' medea and see this.  and, everything that did not involve males were considered unlawful, immoral, and weak and they incorporated this into their religions.  in patriarchal religions, everything about women has been devalued.  what should be regarded as sacred and aweful (full of awe) such as a woman's menstrual flow and her ability to make children, have been labeled as making her unclean in the bible for example.  the sensuality and eroticism of her body has now been changed into pornography for the male viewing pleasure, instead of the vessel of life that it should be seen as.  the one thing that i like especially is how the bible uses women to symbolize churches, either "good" or "evil".  but, what people seem to ignore is that even the good churches need to be manipulated by some higher male being, whether it be god or satan.  

enough with religion bashing... i've been reading this feminism book that's a compilation of essays written in the 1980s.  i never realized that feminism and witchcraft have been linked together.  witchcraft today isn't like how it is depicted in the olden days such as in the crucible and the salem witch trials.  it's more of a psychological approach to religion.. somewhat, or at least that's what i understand of it.  it doesn't even matter if the religion is true or not, if you believe it, then you act, dream, and see things accordingly.  and, quite frankly, i would rather believe a lie that i made up rather than a lie that someone else made up for me, because at least in this lie i am worth something.  i don't even know where i'm going with this wicca thing... and for that matter, i don't even know where i'm going with this whole entry thing... i just need a place to vent..... bleh.. what a waste....

12-15-2003

all i've been hearing about lately is saddam hussein's capture.  it's good and all, but it's just getting a tad annoying.  how many times do they have to broadcast that 10 second segment of a doctor shoving a flashlight down hussein's mouth and looking inside?  will it have changed the 32nd time around?  hmm... thoughts to ponder.  all i want is to watch divorce court in peace, damn it all.  lol.. but yeah.. i find it quite interesting that this supposedly strong rebellious dictator would come out of a hole in a ground stating that he's willing to negotiate.  that sounds like a bunch of crock to me, but i don't know.. if i saw 11 guns trained on me maybe i would be willing to negotiate too.  i think that if the american troops had really wanted to fuck with his head a little, they should've camped outside his hole for a while and jumped up and down.  that would've been awesome.. haha... good thing i'm not in the army then, right?  

anyway, after all is said and done, what exactly will this capture bring?  the troops still haven't found any weapons of biological or chemical warfare, which i thought was the whole reason for invading iraq.  i guess i was wrong.. maybe the whole reason for invading iraq was for bush's personal crusade against hussein.. oh, wait.. i already knew that.  it's convenient that they finally found hussein right around election talk.  good job president bush.. now what have you accomplished?  you got saddam hussein alright, but what ever happened to osama bin laden?  what ever happened to the taliban?  what happened to the economy?  what happened to the deficit which was even more exaggerated by this war of yours?  i find it kinda ironic how president bush talks about this being the beginning of the end of violence, but all of this talk of war against terror just perpetuates the circle of violence.  of course, since he's not the one who's getting hurt, it's not violence, but a holy crusade against the evils of the middle east.  once he gets his foothold in iraq, he'll move on to palestine, and then iran, and any other islamic country trying to fight off the phantom of a terrorist organization.  all speculation, but if i'm right, i'm a goddamn genius.. hehe....

12-9-2003

haven't written in here for so long.  i guess i finally realized that there is life outside of this thing.... or maybe i just can't upload it to this server as easily as i could before.. hehe.  so yeah.. what is new with me?  well, i did my genetics exam at 8 o'clock this morning, and i have a spanish one at 2.  so, i get to waste 5 hours of my life.. and instead of studying, why not write in this, where no one looks?  yeah.. well, i've realized lately how much i talk with myself.  that's right, not to myself, but with myself.  i probably spend way too much time in lala land in my head than i should.  nobody realizes just how fucked up i am because i'm perfect.. i'm maysee.  i have the cute little perfect family, with the perfect brains, and the perfect piano playing ability.  super maysee can do anything if she just sets her mind to it... except of course, for the things that she really wants to do.  if she wants to change her major, she can't do it because that means she won't be the perfect doctor, making the perfect salary of $100,001 a year.  if she wants to change her religion, she can't do it because that means she's going to hell, and no one perfect ever goes to hell.  if she wants to start wearing sweatpants and a hoodie everywhere, she can't do that because she just wouldn't be perfectly polished enough.  or.. if she wants to revert back to her glasses, she can't because she needs to have perfect eyesight to go along with her perfectly flat nose. 

and finally, if she wants to bitch about something she can't because people don't understand, and people don't want to understand.. and if they did, then they don't know what to do.  what do you do when perfection has just gone down the shitter?  so i don't bitch anymore.. i don't really have friends anymore to bitch to.  i only have jake and he can't deal with anything.  i don't have my sister because she only cares about herself, i don't have david or alex because they're just so self-absorbed in their own melodrama that they don't even notice.  david might notice, but he's so damn overwhelming and i don't need that.  don't have romel because he's on the other side of the country.. and so what am i left with?  i have me.. so i talk with me, and bitch with me.. and then i take a few aspirins and feel better.  mix in a gallon of ice cream, and life's just peachy.... put in a few more sleeping pills and it just keeps getting better..